13/9 Gospel Rally

The preacher of this rally is this brother called Rev Dr Stephen Tong, a renowned reformed speaker who is 68 years old. I hereby address him as Old brother Tong... Hee...

God's words will never be binded by the forces of the world. Many times, we tend to tune our frequency to the world's frequency. We start to package the truth so that it will be accepted by the world. And sometimes, packaging blurs the truths instead. God's ministry should never be a market-driven ministry. It should not be about what people want and enjoy. God's truth is not about magic, healing, prosperity. One should approach God's truth as one who 1) Fears God, 2) Respect the Holy Spirit, 3) Study the history.
John the Baptist spoke of REPENTENCE in the wilderness... Something that was not popular yet CRUCIAL. People who truly seeks the truth went even to the wilderness to listen. There was no publicity, no comfortable and prosperity message, but a message of repentence, because the Kingdom of God is near.

Jesus. The self-existing One. The Logos, Word, 道... (At this junction, he starts talking about lao zi, kong zi, the different sociologists and philosophers.) Conclusion. LOGOS was the central principle of all things. 万有的总原则！

Science and Jesus. Science, "SCIO" in Latin, meaning "I know". And how do you "know"? Through research, experiment and analyse, we wil lead on to DISCOVERY.
Yet, the existence of these discovered knowledge are independent of the discovery. Discovering something through science simply means you have UNCOVERED another knowledge that has ALREADY BEEN THERE. It just mean you are more knowledgable. Even if you talk about invention, it is also simply creating something out of what has ALREADY BEEN CREATED.

The analogy of the boy who found food. "One day, a young boy smelled some food, so he went to the kitchen. He opened the pot and saw spaghetti. Then he opened another pot and saw creamy mushroom soup. Then he opened another pot to see steamed prawns. And he ran into the living room, filling with excitement, he announce to his family "EVERYONE! I DISCOVERED something great! There are spaghetti, mushroom soup and even prawns in the Kitchen!!!!! Dinner is on me tonight!" Suddenly his mum stood up and hit his head! "Crazy boy, I cooked the food!"

Similarly, God has already created the world that embodies all the mysteries that will soon be discover by Science. But these mysteries being discovered by man DOES NOT undermine the power of God. Science only helps increase our understanding of God, increasing our meaning in life. Yet, Science is only restricted to the studying of the natural world.

Yet. Even to people like Newton, on one hand, he will discover the natural science, on the other hand, he receives the supernatural. "一方面研究自然，另一方面领受超自然"

Tying back to what he spoke for the past 2 nights, (in which i wasn't around) 1st on the words of Jesus and 2nd on the morality of Jesus, he now talks about this Jesus who surpasses all the mention "philosophers, scientists, sociologist, religious leaders" in speech and morality, the "WORD" Himself became flesh. “道可道，非常道”the true WORD cannot be explained in words. Those can be explained are not the WORD. What did God do? God knows that we cannot understand this word, as seen from how the Israelites, His chosen people keep deviating from the truth and leading decadent lives despite hearing God's words. So what did God do?
Instead of continually telling us about the WORD through prophet, the WORD BECAME FLESH, the infinite coming into the finite world, to REVEAL God in person, to seek the lost, to be an example of the lost.

P.S. There are many things that Jesus Proclaims about Himself that revealed to us He is really the Being who surpasses time and space. Morality wise, no one could find any fault with Him

Who is Jesus?

The gospel rally from 11-14/9 at Singapore Indoor Stadium. Because it was a gospel rally, i happily thought the message will be the same everyday. And because it was a gospel rally, i thought i should only turn up when my friends are going. Hence, i did not turn up for the first night.

On the 12/9 morning, I remembered the few moments before I woke up, I had a picture of the Indoor Stadium that was filled with the number of people equivalent to our church congregation-300+. And I woke up. I felt unpeaceful. I know i did tell ppl about this event, but as the rally's dates drew nearer, i seem to be losing the passion to ask my friends to go and listen to the rally. I remember walking out of the house, thinking that if everyone else was like me, the stadium will really not be filled! Then suddenly God rebuked me. "This is my work. If you do not respond to my calling, others will. The success in my work is not dependent on man, but on my faithfulness." Yes, God will accomplish His work and bring His ppl to the gospel rally. It is by His grace if He is going to use me to bring His message of love to others, and in return, i will receive His blessings. By not doing so, I just lose out on seeing ppl turn to Christ and receiving His blessings.

I only turned up on sat and sun evenings. And I was blown away by the message of God. A new perspective, A new challenge, A new vision, A new prayer...

Ugliness of man...

I realised how ugly mankind can get. Anw... Was watching Constantine just now on Channel 5... Beyond the handsome guy, the sacrificial love struck me again. Well.. God loves me even beyond my ugliness... Not only physical but also the inner filth. He loves me... But He refuses to see me dirty... He wants to bring me to the fountain of life, and wash me clean.

In contrast to man's ugliness... God is beautiful... "You are beautiful beyond description, Too marvelous for words. Too wonderful for comprehension. Like nothing ever seen or heard... Who can fathom, Your infinite wisdom. Who can measure, the depth of Your love... You are beautiful beyond description... Majesty, enthroned above! And I stand, I stand, in awe of You. I stand, I stand, in awe of You. Holy God, to Whom, all praise is due, I stand in awe of You!"

Wow... I am impress with my memory... Haha.. If only I could remember my history facts so well... But yeah...

I have learnt so much recently from Tang Mu Shi. Yet currently, these are all knowledge. Not yet wisdom... Will share more another time..

Yeap! Have started school... Still adapting... Oh well... Hoping to get into the studying momentum soon... Have quite nice lecturers and tutors... But i still miss peeps in NY... Esp most of my beloved tutors... Argh... But it is ook... I strongly believe absence makes the heart grow fonder....

Anw... I am still wondering what my love language is actually. Was discussing this with Kanitta that it depends on the person showing love to me.. Like i melt when Dave gave me a hug. But if Ke li gives me a hug i will freak out... hahaha... Lalalalala..... I love Dave.. The sincere and mesmerising American I met recently... But will prob never get to see him again :(

Ugliness of man.... Sometimes understanding more of a person makes you irritated and impatient with them... Because you see more of their ugliness... But thinking back.. Aren't we as ugly as well... I am learning.... Got impatient and unloving recently... Got to change... :) Hee...

Thats all for today. Just thought I wanted to update a bit...

Fools for Christ...

It has been months since i last posted... I am currently out of St.Gabriel, but my spirit will still be there. Din update on my last few moments in school. But it was good. Plenty of photos taken, but not one with my dear Eu-Jin in it, only one monkey toy standing in the pics on his behalf. His death taught me so much... Nothing matters more than the soul...

The school holidays started and I remembered telling God how I wish the church-organised Cambodia mission trip was on. I would be the first to sign up man. Oh well... Guess I din wanna waste my holiday. I told Daddy that I wanna do something meaningful. And yes! God answered and opened the door for me, along with 12 other youths from the Anglican diocese to go for a mission trip to N.Malaysia.


The truth: Days before the trip, I really questioned how much we can contribute there. I really dunno why are we going to Perak or Ipoh. I mean... It is not a poor country... Ya.. They have a new church St'Philip (which is not that new after all, about 2 years)... but they have a main church St'Michael there with a congregation of about 200 to help in St.Philip... I mean... Why Perak?

I didn't feel prepare for the trip. Not at all... So many changes, so many uncertainties.. Most importantly, I seriously dunno why I am going there!

Talking about uncertainties and changes! Guess what... Less than one day before the trip, we found out tht our dear sis serene don't really know how to play keyboard for the worship... Mainly also becoz of the new songs that she din hear before. And, yes... I know how to play the piano by ear, but... NEVER have I imagined myself playing in a worship session setting. And almost 10 songs to prepare and practice! I must be crazy to even put my fingers on the keyboard in the first place! Ok... God's jokes and His grace.... Oh well...
Playing the keyboard was a faith-stretching experience. Always thought that it would most probably be the HIGHLIGHT of the trip... But... Nothing matters more than the soul... God's grace and empowerment went beyond the few notes i played on the keyboard. He showed me soo much...

Ok... I really cannot stop once I start sharing! REALLY CAN'T! haha... i was sharing with wei tian a bit yesterday through the phone. And the outline of the trip itself, with A BIT of details took us about 2 hours! But... I still wanna update and share on this blog A BIT of what we WENT through...

15 of us from different backgrounds... Meeting a bunch of ppl from another land... If it wasn't becoz of Christ, our paths would most probably never have crossed, and I would not have realised that the love of Christ is really beyond comprehension...

Rev Frank Ling and Brother Eric Tan also known as Ling Mu Shi（凌牧师）and Sor Shu Shu（傻叔叔)... These 2 brothers were the ones who brought us around and took care of us. Like I have been telling others... I felt that we were being served more than serving... Throughout the 6 days, two church vans were utilised to drive us around... Petrol Prices are on the rise!!! Sor Shu Shu took 2 days off, plus 1 day of emergency leave to serve with us in this 6 days (wed no need take leave, sat and sun no work)...

St. Philip’s Church, Sungai Siput
The place where we stayed, served, and saw 5 shooting stars!

I guess I really can't summarise... I have been staring at the pic on top for a while already... But I really dunno where to start... And dunno where to stop... In summary... God is love!

What did I learn most? We are all fools for Christ... From ling mu shi, sor shu shu, to the joke i made during visitation, to the bro and sis we met, to we ourselves, i saw how foolish Christians are in the eyes of man. Ling Mu Shi is a really good motivational speaker "人生有了大目标，千斤万重我能挑！人生没有大目标，一根稻草要弯腰！" And a good motivational speaker as talented as he is can really earn a lot out there... But he dedicated his life and offer up whatever he has for God's Kingdom. How foolish is that. Sor Shu Shu, a typical worker in the secular world, took 3 days off for us, risking the possibility of being sack just to serve with us... But... Haha... Ok... More about him later... But ya.. 3 days of leave just to be with a bunch of ppl he don't really know... Bro and sis in Christ.. There was this auntie whom I met during one of the prayer meeting at St.Michael on friday night. She saw that I was losing my voice and that i was not feeling very well. Next day, one of the church youth who came over to St.Philip handed me a bag of cucumbers from Japan "Hey! Auntie asked me to pass you this cucumbers... 可以降火！" What can I say? Love in deeds! Ourselves... The way we tried to speak cantonese, and 厚着脸皮，硬着头皮talk to the ppl there... Haha... 真的好"SUM FU"!

Highlight of how foolish or ridiculous Christians are... The last night of the trip, we went to the house of a brother in Christ with cancer (last stage). He and his family were going to get baptise that night. It was really heartbreaking to see the family at first. The kids are so young... A daughter 2 yr old, a son 6 yr old and the oldest son is only 8. After the baptism, Ling Mu Shi prayed a prayer of blessings over them... He said "Hallelujah! Praise be to God! 我们要感谢赞美上帝！感谢神，你有这个病！" At this point, I can't help but start laughing inside my heart. What a ridiculous prayer! NOONE in their right mind will rejoice for an illness! NOBODY will thank any God for a 病痛! But... Mu Shi continued on... Because of this illness, this brother got to know Christ and his whole family came to accept Jesus as their Saviour and their source of strength. So what if he managed to live a 100 years but yet have to spend eternity without God. Indeed "Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked." - Psalms 84:10
I am glad to say with full assurance that I will see this family in the house of the Lord!

"For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God." 1 Corinthians 1:18

Yes... Many of the things that we are doing really seems foolish. Putting aside your job, giving up other high paying jobs, showing love to someone you just met... If it wasn't becoz of Jesus, and His blood that binds us together, all these would not have happened... And I was reminded... My dear Lord Jesus Christ did the most foolish act ever in the eyes of man - His death on the cross for the sins of mankind. He has set an example for us to follow... The act of sacrificial and unconditional love... Such that whatever we are going to do after Him is not as silly as compared to what Christ has done.. Silly in the eyes of man, but it indeed is the power of God!

Sor Shu Shu... After typing soo much... I've decided not to type much about this brother... But he really has been an inspiration. If Perak was a mission field for us, it must have been a training ground for him... He has the heart to go full time for God! Guess it was also a time to reaffirm God's calling in his life... Many struggles... But as long as he make this decision with God, nothing is too difficult for him becoz his God is POWERFUL!

This is Sor Shu Shu and his son matthew aks Sor Zai! And I am Sor Mui! Look at his yellow shirt! He has never changed his shirt since the first day we met him! Ok... Becoz he has plenty of the same shirt...
I miss him the most!

Talking about God's goodness... Just to share something... St'Michael is not a mega church in terms of size. But... 200+ congregation... They currently owe 4 vans for ministry purposes! Every week they will drive the van around and fetch old folks and kids to the church. I have been asking sor shu shu how much do they spent on the vans. Till today, he never really did reply. He only said that this is a ministry and simply becoz Ling Mu Shi insist that 一个都不能少！Yup... In God's Kingdom, He will go out to find even the 100th lost sheep. I am really touched by their love and faith. So you ask me how they get the money? Haha... Read the miracle of how Jesus fed the 5000!

During the trip, there were break throughs... Doors were being opened.. At least, we were not useless.. None of God's ppl are useless.. It is just whether we are willing to be used by God or not! And on the last day, there on the sky, we saw the promise of God:

The rainbow that marks the everlasting covenant between God and man! The promise of God not to destroy mankind by water.

Looking at the sky... It was a reminder of God's everlasting presence in my life. It was a promise of God, that He will never leave me. It was a sign to sor shu shu, that He will take care of him and his family. Plus the 2 shooting stars i saw that previous night. One was for my ah ma, the other one was for his mum... 彩虹下的约定！What a beautiful way to end the trip...

Though I am back here... My heart is still in Perak... Let it not be an obsession, becoz obsession will fade and change... But may this heart lead me to love and pray for them more... The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few... I was telling some ppl that I should really have just stayed there when they were joking about it... Maybe not for 1 more year la! but 1 more week or so... But... Really need to trust that God will take care of the ppl in 和丰村through St'Michael Church. In the meantime, I shall go brush up on my cantonese so that I will not really make a fool out of myself when I go back! :)

P.S. Haha... Told ya I can't summarise.. This is probably only 5% or less of the whole trip!

Key of being a good teacher...

CLASSROOM MANAGEMENT/DISCIPLINE!

This is true, at least at secondary school.
Yes... I am back at St'Gab, for about 1 mth plus already... This time round, teaching history... Well... It is not about how well you make your worksheets, handouts, or even what you have to say... If the class is not managed properly, NOTHING much will be achieved...

I left the whole English thing becoz the markings drove me crazy... And I wanted more time to interact and impact lifes... But suddenly... I realised that in this era, in this system, the job of a teacher can be so overwhelming that you just wish you have some time for yourself... And in class, you need to rush through syllabus... You don't have time to talk to the kids...

Granted, it is about your life... About being an example... But... They can be such monkeys sometimes! It suddenly dawned upon me how much more freedom I had when designing English lessons... Weaving in topics that enable me to inculcate values... Even if I do not have the time to talk to them much after school, the 6 period is significant...

For the first time in my entire life, I am considering the option of teaching English. It seems to be the best platform to reach out to the kids in the classroom on a deeper level..

Ya... But I am not good... Not good at all at english... At 18, I still insist that "Exterminate" is an impressive cheem word...

But ya... Classroom management... Guess I need to research on this aspect of teaching...

Finally... I am really leaving...

Yup... Yesterday was my last day as an English teacher at St'Gab... I cried during the last ten minutes of lessons with 3T1. They are my favourite bunch of kids.. kids who respect me and love me for who i am.. They do make fun of me, but... i really enjoy their presence... They asked for a farewell speech... and there stood a 19 year old, unable to hold back her emotions, and tears rolled down... in the end, i had a farewell compre instead.. i typed out my speech, with teary eyes.. met some of the sec 2 boys, guys whom i did not teach... One of them handed me a belated birthday card, only to be told that i was leaving... went into the staff room and saw the choc cup cake one of the boys gave me, as a belated bday present, and a farewell gift as well... Sat down at my desk, only to be reminded of the silly boys who wrote sweet cards and notes of encoragements... A bear, a book and a bar of choc stood at one corner... haiz...

After 1 term, i have grown emotionally attached to the place... I love the boys...

I appreciated the times when the 3T1 boys share with me their struggles and simply treating me as a part of them, yet willing to respect me as a teacher as well.. Martin, Sree, Andrew... ... ... Just simply love them....

I have grown to love the 3N1 kids as well.. Got to know a number of them better... Granted, i still cannot control the kids appropriately... But like my 3T1 kids, they are getting better... I remembered Kim, (a Korean boy) asking me not to quit... From a boy who doesn't do his work at all, he has imroved.. Prasand, Dillion... They have grown and mature over the term... I know they are nice boys by nature... They just need to know that someone is willing to love them and give them a chance... i will miss the nice kids as well... ppl like jia ming and patrick... :'( I remembered once when the kids stood up and greeted "黄老师早安!"... I am an English Teacher mind you!

I have diminish love for 2N2... Maybe only except Kian How... He is a weird kid in school... But i really see him changing... It pricked me the other day to hear him say "Being good is so difficult, nobody believe you one..." haiz... i believed him... and i know he is a bright boy with great potential... He needs love... not from man... from the Divine one who provides eternally.. Will miss the kids like Simran and Sherwin, Jerome and Faris, Kakershaw and gang... They are the few who will listen to me in class... Will miss Simran's smile.. The way he keep pestering me to go to the toilet, and doing a home run whenever he does well for his tests or assignments... And that silly Yi Sheng... The way he kept counting down to my birthday and saying silly things... How he and some others planned a birthday surprise for me but turned out to be not surprising at all.. Haha... And how can i forget Misha Anthony Monteiro Yeo... He calls me a PEASANT! He calls everyone Peasants... But at least he called me a scholar before.. Haha... He corrected my pronounciation... "Mam, is CAME-Bridge, not CAM(P)-Bridge" Haha... He is so silly... A rich kid who eats a bar of chocs that cost 100 bucks... I will keep the book he gave me with some other friends...

I will miss the times when my 1E4 calls me Miss Adorable, Miss Horny, Auntie Adorable, Auntie Horny... I still remembers how they greeted me so uniformly when the "touch" community fascillitators came... "Good Morning Auntie!"... And walking as a gang to the front door of the staff room, surrounding me and screaming at the top of their lungs "Happy Birthday Auntie Horny!"... I am sensitive to the word "Auntie" now... ha... How about Auntie Ah Meng!

The kids in 2E1... Haiz... Lim Soo Yong was so sad when he got to know that i was leaving.. He is so feminine sometimes... But so sentimental... "老师，不要走可以吗？我很舍不得。。。" Aww... haha... reminded me of Kian How.. But Kian How is a silly boy... haha... haha.... hahahahahaha....

The guys from 4E6... I will remember how every morning, i will check the relief schedule to seek a chance to go in to relief their class.. They are really a bunch of nice and cute guys... I still remember how attentive they were when i was sharing my JC life... Hee... They just look so charming... Made friends with some of them... Ppl like Keith, Leroy and Leon... Oh, and the Bald handsome, Chin Hong... They celebrated my birthday with me, and started calling me "sihui" officially after that...

The random kids in school... Haiz... Kids whom i got to know simply by going into their class...

The colleagues... Lin Lao Shi... He is my dream guy... But another married man... haha... He is a brother from St'Andrew Cathedral.. Will miss him, his lameness and his advices... Nora... Will miss the times she calls me darling and blow kisses at me... And how she refuses to let me do the spiderman kiss on her... The silly Gerard with his "sihui" song... Andrew and his shuttlecocks... But his many encouragements and help here and there will be remembered as well, along with all the torturing... Iris for her presence and her listening ear.. Perry and the rest will be missed as well... Ms Jessica Yap aka Mrs Chee... Aww... I shall not continue.. Will just miss them... For Pris... I thank God for her... So much... 非笔墨所能形容。。。

The first pic i took with Leroy and Keith after helping them with debate...Keith gave me slippers on my birthday... And a beautiful card as well:
Chin Hong is a handsome young chap, who just need to be humble...
My 2N2 monkeys... Whom i have grown to love... The guy beside me, Kian How!
The first time out with kids who are vain...


思念总在离别后。。。我并没有等到失去了才懂得珍惜。虽然知道迟早要分离，但我早已经将感情投入在他们身上了。怎么知道，不论是悲或喜，是乐或忧，思念仍然总在离别后。我没有办法掩饰心中的悲痛。。。

Some ppl will ask... Why not stay then...

I've asked myself what have i done? What difference did i make over here? Has this job brought me closer to Christ? Have i glorified Him?

我学到了很多。。When it is time to leave, it is time to leave... I don't want to teach something that i do not have a passion for... It is about influencing them to love the subject so that they will be self-motivated... But i don't love it myself... I believe they will benefit more from someone else... I am leaving them in good hands... These kids will soon forget... As for me, i am waiting for the Lord to lead me to another place :)

Ha... Another thing took place yesterday... Went back to NY to collect results... Leroy and Keith followed us... To give us moral support and to visit our school...

I remembered mentioning about getting the results from God's hands... Ha... From a servant of Christ, called Mr Mao...
Hist:A, Econs:B, Chinese:C, Math:A, Gp:B

I am filled with joy and thanksgiving... Knowing that God is in control no matter what... And praying that my friends who din do well to trust as well... It is difficult.. But it is a process where we learn to trust and build our faith..

I thanked most of the teachers who taught me and impacted my life in one way or the other.. So what if i got the B for Econs, i still love the subject.. Mr Haniss, Mr Nathan and Mr BEAN have inspired me so much... It is about inspiration, not about the grades... And i was glad i got inspired by most of the teachers in JC... So much so that i am a bit at a lost what to do next... But Christ will keep leading me... Carrying me through every single phase of my life... All i need to do is trust and allow Him to lead me...

Another beautiful song to share...



He carried me
It's only when I looked back and trace the way
My crooked path has wandered
I see the footprints in the sand
Then I realised You were there beside me
Every single day

You carried me through all of my trials
You carried me when I was troubled and alone
When my strength had gone
Couldn't get along without You

You carried me so I wouldn't stumble
You carried me just when I needed someone there
Who would be a friend
And I reached the end because He carried me

And now as I turn to face the narrow way
With shadows growing longer
I know my Savior's by my side
Always there for me
And He'll care for me when the enemy draws near

He carried me through all my trials
He carried me when I was troubled and alone
When my strength had gone
Couldn't get along without Him

He carried me so I wouldn't stumble
He carried me just when I needed someone there
Who would be a friend
And I reached the end because He carried me


He carried me through all these experiences... The A'level monster, the monsters at St'Gab... Who is greater? My God or the enemy? "My God is so Big.. So strong and so mighty there's nothing my God cannot do..." There's nothing He cannot do... The Most High King chose to love me...

I cannot thank Daddy enough.. Things and ppl can change, but let my love for Him never die as I am embraced by His love every single moment...

Last day of being 18...

Today... Supposed to be my wedding day... but ha... couldn't find a bridegroom yet.. so we really got to postpone it.. And... don't worry... the lorry plan is still on... just got to find a guy who is willing to agree to my wedding plan...

Two more weeks... Till the end of my agony... No doubt, i learnt a lot during my 8 weeks at st'gabriel... But i really cannot carry on teaching english anymore.. I am not sure if i am going to leave the school yet... I really can't bear to leave some of the peeps there... esp the kids whom i just got to know slightly better.. will see how.. hoping to change a teaching subject... change to history.. if not... have to bid farewell to the wonderful ppl i have met..

I have been away from Daddy recently.. I know He has been taking care of me... But i was an unfaithful kid.. Sorry Daddy... Has been relying too much on myself.. I am really tired.. God, i need you to bring me through all these...

I need to learn to allow Daddy to prepare me for the greater plans ahead.. Sometimes i just get too satisfied with my current status that i refuse to move on or let Him work in me and mould me.. My spiritual life is stagnant, my growth impeded.. I need to go back to the stream of living water, my source of life, strength and joy...

I am turning 19 soon.. My last year being a teen... Hope to make a difference in the lives of the teens this year.. But first, i need to let God make a difference in my life once again.. It is only when Christ's empowerment come upon me, will I be able to empower the lives of others..

"I rest in hope, for You are my portion, with thankfulness, I sing..." Thank you Daddy... For being there all this while... For bringing me into this world 19 years ago.. For the opportunity to know Jesus... For the opportunity to say... I love You Daddy...

Empower me

EMPOWER ME

Nobody knows how weak I am
Better than You
Nobody sees all of my needs
Better than You
And nobody has the power
To change me, to what I was born to be
Jesus, be strong in my weakness
Empower me

(Chorus)
Empower me, like a rushing river
Flowing to the sea
Lord, send Your Holy Spirit flowing
Out through me
'Til I'm living as Your child
Victorious and free
Send the power of Your love
Empower me

Nobody's eyes see through my soul
Better than You
Nobody's love can make me whole
No love but Yours
And nobody has the power
To lift me to reach for eternity
Jesus break through all my defences
Empower me

I remembered when i was in sec 2, i named myself "River". A lame reason would be becoz my surname is Huang, and naming myself "River" would make me "Huang He" = "Yellow River"... Ha... Also, becoz i was thinking of a unique name.. So.. River... But.. It has another meaning.. River has its source from somewhere else... She provides water to wherever she is.. As the water flows, she enters into the sea.. From the sea, it would then enter somewhere else... Just like the chorus of the song... I feel like a "rushing river flowing to the sea". A bit helpless, headless, clueless, senseless.. helpless becoz i dunno wad to do, headless becoz i dunno where i am heading, clueless becoz i dunno how long more am i going to hold on to it, senseless becoz sometimes, these just doesn't make sense to me..

ONE MONTH... Yes... I have been teaching english for one month already.. Yes... English.. E=ENGLISH... Teaching at SGBS, facing a whole bunch of boys with raging hormones.. Somehow, they reminded me of Yang Shuai (my tutee for 2 days during the hols). Imagine facing 40 Yang Shuais everytime you enter a class. Ok... They are not as bad :) (THANKFULLY)

I have been struggling whether to leave the school or not.. Helpless... I really cannot mark english essays... i really really... ok i can... but... i am really not good at grammer at all.. sometimes i dunno how to teach the smarter kids.. they just seem to know their grammer better than i do.. esp the sec 3NA.. I am teaching 1 sec 2NA, 1 sec 3NA and 1 sec 3NT class.. Sometimes i wonder if i am heading towards the right direction when i am teaching them.. and yes... i struggled several times whether to leave the school or not becoz teaching english just doens't make any sense at all... i was telling them if i go back ny and tell ms sharma i am teaching eng i think she would prob faint.. even the chi teachers think it is strange.. i take Chinese LEP my dear.. I can't... I really can't... Broke down a few times in school during the first 3 weeks.. but not in class... as much as my friends try very hard to understand, but.. it is just incomplete.. i can't understand exactly what i am struggling with as well.. the inadequacy and incompetancy on my part.. a bit of inferiority complex.. a bit of this and a bit of that.. "Nobody knows how weak i am..." not including myself...

That day during church service, i broke down... the last time i broke down for the month of jan.. the lyrics said "Jesus.. break through all my defences.. Empower me"... My defences..

I wasn't sure what are they.. But God broke through my defences.. "Empower me. Like a rushing wiver flowing to the sea. Lord sent your Holy Spirit flowing out through me. Till I am living as Your child. Victorious and free. Sent the power of your LOVE empower me.."

It was then that i was reminded of my name.. David=God's Beloved.. God's Beloved is going into the sea where she is going to face challanges, big waves, uncertainties and the list just goes on.. But God's Beloved has her Daddy's empowerment.. She needs to be brave for the blood and trust that His anointing already covers her every word.

Be brave.. I am trying.. The very reason why i am still staying on is really becoz of the kids and some of my colleagues.. 65% kids 35% colleagues.. 100% me.. Becoz i don't like changes... But.. I don't like english as well..

As much as i wanna love the kids, i need to teach them as well.. I really love some of the kids.. I love the NT kids becoz they are really like brothers... Some of them, brothers who have gone astray.. I was so touched the other day when i read their essays on their dreams and aspirations.. Police officer, chefs, designers.. Simple dreams.. But sometimes, adults just kill their dreams and make them feel as if it was impossible to fulfill them.. It is difficult.. But... At least they do have dreams.. I am struggling hard to keep mine.. for the sec 2s... they are my form class... some of them are really adorable (like me).. like my little brothers... they call me sihui jie jie after school... i dunno whether it is appropriate according to the school or moe... but i feel that it makes me feel closer to them.. and that is what i care about... after all, those who call me sihui jie jie are the nicer kids in class.. i feel stress in my sec 3NA class.. they intimidate me and make me feel small... there are some nice boys inside as well.. but really only a handful.. Sometimes, i fear not being capable enough to teach them well..

though i love the boys and i should learn to perservere, but i am still considering of going away... i would allow Him to stretch me.. But not longer than what i really can hold on to... And unless there is a clear sign from Christ, i would still stay on..

The passage that struck me today:

"And now I will show you the most excellent way.
1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

1 Corinthians 12:31-13:7

The most excellent way to carry on now.. To cover myself with love.. If i have all the knowledge i have to pass to them and i have not love... I am nothing.. A simple passage.. But i almost always forget that Love is the most excellent way to carry on...

I dunno how many "i cannot" have i said... But.. I may feel that i cannot, but God can!

I told miss teo the other day i am sorry... i remember that i used to ignore her in math class.. though i was one of the few who would still look up and talk to her occasionally, to a large extent, i don't always give my FULL attention.. though i was still doing math, and i would still ask her whenever i need help, but still, it wasn't my full attention.. she must have felt bad.. coz i am feeling bad now becoz some of my students ignored me in class.. but i know she still loves me the most.. becoz i am her favourite student..

this is one of the rare times where i can seat down and type a long long blog entry.. i am usually too tired after work and the weekend seems to be always pack.. i am teaching sec 1E CME! Haha.. and i love relieving some sec 4 classes who give me their full attention when i am sharing about JC life :) And serious stuffs aside... I am turning 19 soon.. and no.. no bf, no fiance, no husband.. think we have to settle for my 18th spiritual birthday.. will still be praying for my hubby.. hee.. :)