Fools for Christ...

It has been months since i last posted... I am currently out of St.Gabriel, but my spirit will still be there. Din update on my last few moments in school. But it was good. Plenty of photos taken, but not one with my dear Eu-Jin in it, only one monkey toy standing in the pics on his behalf. His death taught me so much... Nothing matters more than the soul...

The school holidays started and I remembered telling God how I wish the church-organised Cambodia mission trip was on. I would be the first to sign up man. Oh well... Guess I din wanna waste my holiday. I told Daddy that I wanna do something meaningful. And yes! God answered and opened the door for me, along with 12 other youths from the Anglican diocese to go for a mission trip to N.Malaysia.


The truth: Days before the trip, I really questioned how much we can contribute there. I really dunno why are we going to Perak or Ipoh. I mean... It is not a poor country... Ya.. They have a new church St'Philip (which is not that new after all, about 2 years)... but they have a main church St'Michael there with a congregation of about 200 to help in St.Philip... I mean... Why Perak?

I didn't feel prepare for the trip. Not at all... So many changes, so many uncertainties.. Most importantly, I seriously dunno why I am going there!

Talking about uncertainties and changes! Guess what... Less than one day before the trip, we found out tht our dear sis serene don't really know how to play keyboard for the worship... Mainly also becoz of the new songs that she din hear before. And, yes... I know how to play the piano by ear, but... NEVER have I imagined myself playing in a worship session setting. And almost 10 songs to prepare and practice! I must be crazy to even put my fingers on the keyboard in the first place! Ok... God's jokes and His grace.... Oh well...
Playing the keyboard was a faith-stretching experience. Always thought that it would most probably be the HIGHLIGHT of the trip... But... Nothing matters more than the soul... God's grace and empowerment went beyond the few notes i played on the keyboard. He showed me soo much...

Ok... I really cannot stop once I start sharing! REALLY CAN'T! haha... i was sharing with wei tian a bit yesterday through the phone. And the outline of the trip itself, with A BIT of details took us about 2 hours! But... I still wanna update and share on this blog A BIT of what we WENT through...

15 of us from different backgrounds... Meeting a bunch of ppl from another land... If it wasn't becoz of Christ, our paths would most probably never have crossed, and I would not have realised that the love of Christ is really beyond comprehension...

Rev Frank Ling and Brother Eric Tan also known as Ling Mu Shi（凌牧师）and Sor Shu Shu（傻叔叔)... These 2 brothers were the ones who brought us around and took care of us. Like I have been telling others... I felt that we were being served more than serving... Throughout the 6 days, two church vans were utilised to drive us around... Petrol Prices are on the rise!!! Sor Shu Shu took 2 days off, plus 1 day of emergency leave to serve with us in this 6 days (wed no need take leave, sat and sun no work)...

St. Philip’s Church, Sungai Siput
The place where we stayed, served, and saw 5 shooting stars!

I guess I really can't summarise... I have been staring at the pic on top for a while already... But I really dunno where to start... And dunno where to stop... In summary... God is love!

What did I learn most? We are all fools for Christ... From ling mu shi, sor shu shu, to the joke i made during visitation, to the bro and sis we met, to we ourselves, i saw how foolish Christians are in the eyes of man. Ling Mu Shi is a really good motivational speaker "人生有了大目标，千斤万重我能挑！人生没有大目标，一根稻草要弯腰！" And a good motivational speaker as talented as he is can really earn a lot out there... But he dedicated his life and offer up whatever he has for God's Kingdom. How foolish is that. Sor Shu Shu, a typical worker in the secular world, took 3 days off for us, risking the possibility of being sack just to serve with us... But... Haha... Ok... More about him later... But ya.. 3 days of leave just to be with a bunch of ppl he don't really know... Bro and sis in Christ.. There was this auntie whom I met during one of the prayer meeting at St.Michael on friday night. She saw that I was losing my voice and that i was not feeling very well. Next day, one of the church youth who came over to St.Philip handed me a bag of cucumbers from Japan "Hey! Auntie asked me to pass you this cucumbers... 可以降火！" What can I say? Love in deeds! Ourselves... The way we tried to speak cantonese, and 厚着脸皮，硬着头皮talk to the ppl there... Haha... 真的好"SUM FU"!

Highlight of how foolish or ridiculous Christians are... The last night of the trip, we went to the house of a brother in Christ with cancer (last stage). He and his family were going to get baptise that night. It was really heartbreaking to see the family at first. The kids are so young... A daughter 2 yr old, a son 6 yr old and the oldest son is only 8. After the baptism, Ling Mu Shi prayed a prayer of blessings over them... He said "Hallelujah! Praise be to God! 我们要感谢赞美上帝！感谢神，你有这个病！" At this point, I can't help but start laughing inside my heart. What a ridiculous prayer! NOONE in their right mind will rejoice for an illness! NOBODY will thank any God for a 病痛! But... Mu Shi continued on... Because of this illness, this brother got to know Christ and his whole family came to accept Jesus as their Saviour and their source of strength. So what if he managed to live a 100 years but yet have to spend eternity without God. Indeed "Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked." - Psalms 84:10
I am glad to say with full assurance that I will see this family in the house of the Lord!

"For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God." 1 Corinthians 1:18

Yes... Many of the things that we are doing really seems foolish. Putting aside your job, giving up other high paying jobs, showing love to someone you just met... If it wasn't becoz of Jesus, and His blood that binds us together, all these would not have happened... And I was reminded... My dear Lord Jesus Christ did the most foolish act ever in the eyes of man - His death on the cross for the sins of mankind. He has set an example for us to follow... The act of sacrificial and unconditional love... Such that whatever we are going to do after Him is not as silly as compared to what Christ has done.. Silly in the eyes of man, but it indeed is the power of God!

Sor Shu Shu... After typing soo much... I've decided not to type much about this brother... But he really has been an inspiration. If Perak was a mission field for us, it must have been a training ground for him... He has the heart to go full time for God! Guess it was also a time to reaffirm God's calling in his life... Many struggles... But as long as he make this decision with God, nothing is too difficult for him becoz his God is POWERFUL!

This is Sor Shu Shu and his son matthew aks Sor Zai! And I am Sor Mui! Look at his yellow shirt! He has never changed his shirt since the first day we met him! Ok... Becoz he has plenty of the same shirt...
I miss him the most!

Talking about God's goodness... Just to share something... St'Michael is not a mega church in terms of size. But... 200+ congregation... They currently owe 4 vans for ministry purposes! Every week they will drive the van around and fetch old folks and kids to the church. I have been asking sor shu shu how much do they spent on the vans. Till today, he never really did reply. He only said that this is a ministry and simply becoz Ling Mu Shi insist that 一个都不能少！Yup... In God's Kingdom, He will go out to find even the 100th lost sheep. I am really touched by their love and faith. So you ask me how they get the money? Haha... Read the miracle of how Jesus fed the 5000!

During the trip, there were break throughs... Doors were being opened.. At least, we were not useless.. None of God's ppl are useless.. It is just whether we are willing to be used by God or not! And on the last day, there on the sky, we saw the promise of God:

The rainbow that marks the everlasting covenant between God and man! The promise of God not to destroy mankind by water.

Looking at the sky... It was a reminder of God's everlasting presence in my life. It was a promise of God, that He will never leave me. It was a sign to sor shu shu, that He will take care of him and his family. Plus the 2 shooting stars i saw that previous night. One was for my ah ma, the other one was for his mum... 彩虹下的约定！What a beautiful way to end the trip...

Though I am back here... My heart is still in Perak... Let it not be an obsession, becoz obsession will fade and change... But may this heart lead me to love and pray for them more... The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few... I was telling some ppl that I should really have just stayed there when they were joking about it... Maybe not for 1 more year la! but 1 more week or so... But... Really need to trust that God will take care of the ppl in 和丰村through St'Michael Church. In the meantime, I shall go brush up on my cantonese so that I will not really make a fool out of myself when I go back! :)

P.S. Haha... Told ya I can't summarise.. This is probably only 5% or less of the whole trip!

Key of being a good teacher...

CLASSROOM MANAGEMENT/DISCIPLINE!

This is true, at least at secondary school.
Yes... I am back at St'Gab, for about 1 mth plus already... This time round, teaching history... Well... It is not about how well you make your worksheets, handouts, or even what you have to say... If the class is not managed properly, NOTHING much will be achieved...

I left the whole English thing becoz the markings drove me crazy... And I wanted more time to interact and impact lifes... But suddenly... I realised that in this era, in this system, the job of a teacher can be so overwhelming that you just wish you have some time for yourself... And in class, you need to rush through syllabus... You don't have time to talk to the kids...

Granted, it is about your life... About being an example... But... They can be such monkeys sometimes! It suddenly dawned upon me how much more freedom I had when designing English lessons... Weaving in topics that enable me to inculcate values... Even if I do not have the time to talk to them much after school, the 6 period is significant...

For the first time in my entire life, I am considering the option of teaching English. It seems to be the best platform to reach out to the kids in the classroom on a deeper level..

Ya... But I am not good... Not good at all at english... At 18, I still insist that "Exterminate" is an impressive cheem word...

But ya... Classroom management... Guess I need to research on this aspect of teaching...

Finally... I am really leaving...

Yup... Yesterday was my last day as an English teacher at St'Gab... I cried during the last ten minutes of lessons with 3T1. They are my favourite bunch of kids.. kids who respect me and love me for who i am.. They do make fun of me, but... i really enjoy their presence... They asked for a farewell speech... and there stood a 19 year old, unable to hold back her emotions, and tears rolled down... in the end, i had a farewell compre instead.. i typed out my speech, with teary eyes.. met some of the sec 2 boys, guys whom i did not teach... One of them handed me a belated birthday card, only to be told that i was leaving... went into the staff room and saw the choc cup cake one of the boys gave me, as a belated bday present, and a farewell gift as well... Sat down at my desk, only to be reminded of the silly boys who wrote sweet cards and notes of encoragements... A bear, a book and a bar of choc stood at one corner... haiz...

After 1 term, i have grown emotionally attached to the place... I love the boys...

I appreciated the times when the 3T1 boys share with me their struggles and simply treating me as a part of them, yet willing to respect me as a teacher as well.. Martin, Sree, Andrew... ... ... Just simply love them....

I have grown to love the 3N1 kids as well.. Got to know a number of them better... Granted, i still cannot control the kids appropriately... But like my 3T1 kids, they are getting better... I remembered Kim, (a Korean boy) asking me not to quit... From a boy who doesn't do his work at all, he has imroved.. Prasand, Dillion... They have grown and mature over the term... I know they are nice boys by nature... They just need to know that someone is willing to love them and give them a chance... i will miss the nice kids as well... ppl like jia ming and patrick... :'( I remembered once when the kids stood up and greeted "黄老师早安!"... I am an English Teacher mind you!

I have diminish love for 2N2... Maybe only except Kian How... He is a weird kid in school... But i really see him changing... It pricked me the other day to hear him say "Being good is so difficult, nobody believe you one..." haiz... i believed him... and i know he is a bright boy with great potential... He needs love... not from man... from the Divine one who provides eternally.. Will miss the kids like Simran and Sherwin, Jerome and Faris, Kakershaw and gang... They are the few who will listen to me in class... Will miss Simran's smile.. The way he keep pestering me to go to the toilet, and doing a home run whenever he does well for his tests or assignments... And that silly Yi Sheng... The way he kept counting down to my birthday and saying silly things... How he and some others planned a birthday surprise for me but turned out to be not surprising at all.. Haha... And how can i forget Misha Anthony Monteiro Yeo... He calls me a PEASANT! He calls everyone Peasants... But at least he called me a scholar before.. Haha... He corrected my pronounciation... "Mam, is CAME-Bridge, not CAM(P)-Bridge" Haha... He is so silly... A rich kid who eats a bar of chocs that cost 100 bucks... I will keep the book he gave me with some other friends...

I will miss the times when my 1E4 calls me Miss Adorable, Miss Horny, Auntie Adorable, Auntie Horny... I still remembers how they greeted me so uniformly when the "touch" community fascillitators came... "Good Morning Auntie!"... And walking as a gang to the front door of the staff room, surrounding me and screaming at the top of their lungs "Happy Birthday Auntie Horny!"... I am sensitive to the word "Auntie" now... ha... How about Auntie Ah Meng!

The kids in 2E1... Haiz... Lim Soo Yong was so sad when he got to know that i was leaving.. He is so feminine sometimes... But so sentimental... "老师，不要走可以吗？我很舍不得。。。" Aww... haha... reminded me of Kian How.. But Kian How is a silly boy... haha... haha.... hahahahahaha....

The guys from 4E6... I will remember how every morning, i will check the relief schedule to seek a chance to go in to relief their class.. They are really a bunch of nice and cute guys... I still remember how attentive they were when i was sharing my JC life... Hee... They just look so charming... Made friends with some of them... Ppl like Keith, Leroy and Leon... Oh, and the Bald handsome, Chin Hong... They celebrated my birthday with me, and started calling me "sihui" officially after that...

The random kids in school... Haiz... Kids whom i got to know simply by going into their class...

The colleagues... Lin Lao Shi... He is my dream guy... But another married man... haha... He is a brother from St'Andrew Cathedral.. Will miss him, his lameness and his advices... Nora... Will miss the times she calls me darling and blow kisses at me... And how she refuses to let me do the spiderman kiss on her... The silly Gerard with his "sihui" song... Andrew and his shuttlecocks... But his many encouragements and help here and there will be remembered as well, along with all the torturing... Iris for her presence and her listening ear.. Perry and the rest will be missed as well... Ms Jessica Yap aka Mrs Chee... Aww... I shall not continue.. Will just miss them... For Pris... I thank God for her... So much... 非笔墨所能形容。。。

The first pic i took with Leroy and Keith after helping them with debate...Keith gave me slippers on my birthday... And a beautiful card as well:
Chin Hong is a handsome young chap, who just need to be humble...
My 2N2 monkeys... Whom i have grown to love... The guy beside me, Kian How!
The first time out with kids who are vain...


思念总在离别后。。。我并没有等到失去了才懂得珍惜。虽然知道迟早要分离，但我早已经将感情投入在他们身上了。怎么知道，不论是悲或喜，是乐或忧，思念仍然总在离别后。我没有办法掩饰心中的悲痛。。。

Some ppl will ask... Why not stay then...

I've asked myself what have i done? What difference did i make over here? Has this job brought me closer to Christ? Have i glorified Him?

我学到了很多。。When it is time to leave, it is time to leave... I don't want to teach something that i do not have a passion for... It is about influencing them to love the subject so that they will be self-motivated... But i don't love it myself... I believe they will benefit more from someone else... I am leaving them in good hands... These kids will soon forget... As for me, i am waiting for the Lord to lead me to another place :)

Ha... Another thing took place yesterday... Went back to NY to collect results... Leroy and Keith followed us... To give us moral support and to visit our school...

I remembered mentioning about getting the results from God's hands... Ha... From a servant of Christ, called Mr Mao...
Hist:A, Econs:B, Chinese:C, Math:A, Gp:B

I am filled with joy and thanksgiving... Knowing that God is in control no matter what... And praying that my friends who din do well to trust as well... It is difficult.. But it is a process where we learn to trust and build our faith..

I thanked most of the teachers who taught me and impacted my life in one way or the other.. So what if i got the B for Econs, i still love the subject.. Mr Haniss, Mr Nathan and Mr BEAN have inspired me so much... It is about inspiration, not about the grades... And i was glad i got inspired by most of the teachers in JC... So much so that i am a bit at a lost what to do next... But Christ will keep leading me... Carrying me through every single phase of my life... All i need to do is trust and allow Him to lead me...

Another beautiful song to share...



He carried me
It's only when I looked back and trace the way
My crooked path has wandered
I see the footprints in the sand
Then I realised You were there beside me
Every single day

You carried me through all of my trials
You carried me when I was troubled and alone
When my strength had gone
Couldn't get along without You

You carried me so I wouldn't stumble
You carried me just when I needed someone there
Who would be a friend
And I reached the end because He carried me

And now as I turn to face the narrow way
With shadows growing longer
I know my Savior's by my side
Always there for me
And He'll care for me when the enemy draws near

He carried me through all my trials
He carried me when I was troubled and alone
When my strength had gone
Couldn't get along without Him

He carried me so I wouldn't stumble
He carried me just when I needed someone there
Who would be a friend
And I reached the end because He carried me


He carried me through all these experiences... The A'level monster, the monsters at St'Gab... Who is greater? My God or the enemy? "My God is so Big.. So strong and so mighty there's nothing my God cannot do..." There's nothing He cannot do... The Most High King chose to love me...

I cannot thank Daddy enough.. Things and ppl can change, but let my love for Him never die as I am embraced by His love every single moment...

Last day of being 18...

Today... Supposed to be my wedding day... but ha... couldn't find a bridegroom yet.. so we really got to postpone it.. And... don't worry... the lorry plan is still on... just got to find a guy who is willing to agree to my wedding plan...

Two more weeks... Till the end of my agony... No doubt, i learnt a lot during my 8 weeks at st'gabriel... But i really cannot carry on teaching english anymore.. I am not sure if i am going to leave the school yet... I really can't bear to leave some of the peeps there... esp the kids whom i just got to know slightly better.. will see how.. hoping to change a teaching subject... change to history.. if not... have to bid farewell to the wonderful ppl i have met..

I have been away from Daddy recently.. I know He has been taking care of me... But i was an unfaithful kid.. Sorry Daddy... Has been relying too much on myself.. I am really tired.. God, i need you to bring me through all these...

I need to learn to allow Daddy to prepare me for the greater plans ahead.. Sometimes i just get too satisfied with my current status that i refuse to move on or let Him work in me and mould me.. My spiritual life is stagnant, my growth impeded.. I need to go back to the stream of living water, my source of life, strength and joy...

I am turning 19 soon.. My last year being a teen... Hope to make a difference in the lives of the teens this year.. But first, i need to let God make a difference in my life once again.. It is only when Christ's empowerment come upon me, will I be able to empower the lives of others..

"I rest in hope, for You are my portion, with thankfulness, I sing..." Thank you Daddy... For being there all this while... For bringing me into this world 19 years ago.. For the opportunity to know Jesus... For the opportunity to say... I love You Daddy...

Empower me

EMPOWER ME

Nobody knows how weak I am
Better than You
Nobody sees all of my needs
Better than You
And nobody has the power
To change me, to what I was born to be
Jesus, be strong in my weakness
Empower me

(Chorus)
Empower me, like a rushing river
Flowing to the sea
Lord, send Your Holy Spirit flowing
Out through me
'Til I'm living as Your child
Victorious and free
Send the power of Your love
Empower me

Nobody's eyes see through my soul
Better than You
Nobody's love can make me whole
No love but Yours
And nobody has the power
To lift me to reach for eternity
Jesus break through all my defences
Empower me

I remembered when i was in sec 2, i named myself "River". A lame reason would be becoz my surname is Huang, and naming myself "River" would make me "Huang He" = "Yellow River"... Ha... Also, becoz i was thinking of a unique name.. So.. River... But.. It has another meaning.. River has its source from somewhere else... She provides water to wherever she is.. As the water flows, she enters into the sea.. From the sea, it would then enter somewhere else... Just like the chorus of the song... I feel like a "rushing river flowing to the sea". A bit helpless, headless, clueless, senseless.. helpless becoz i dunno wad to do, headless becoz i dunno where i am heading, clueless becoz i dunno how long more am i going to hold on to it, senseless becoz sometimes, these just doesn't make sense to me..

ONE MONTH... Yes... I have been teaching english for one month already.. Yes... English.. E=ENGLISH... Teaching at SGBS, facing a whole bunch of boys with raging hormones.. Somehow, they reminded me of Yang Shuai (my tutee for 2 days during the hols). Imagine facing 40 Yang Shuais everytime you enter a class. Ok... They are not as bad :) (THANKFULLY)

I have been struggling whether to leave the school or not.. Helpless... I really cannot mark english essays... i really really... ok i can... but... i am really not good at grammer at all.. sometimes i dunno how to teach the smarter kids.. they just seem to know their grammer better than i do.. esp the sec 3NA.. I am teaching 1 sec 2NA, 1 sec 3NA and 1 sec 3NT class.. Sometimes i wonder if i am heading towards the right direction when i am teaching them.. and yes... i struggled several times whether to leave the school or not becoz teaching english just doens't make any sense at all... i was telling them if i go back ny and tell ms sharma i am teaching eng i think she would prob faint.. even the chi teachers think it is strange.. i take Chinese LEP my dear.. I can't... I really can't... Broke down a few times in school during the first 3 weeks.. but not in class... as much as my friends try very hard to understand, but.. it is just incomplete.. i can't understand exactly what i am struggling with as well.. the inadequacy and incompetancy on my part.. a bit of inferiority complex.. a bit of this and a bit of that.. "Nobody knows how weak i am..." not including myself...

That day during church service, i broke down... the last time i broke down for the month of jan.. the lyrics said "Jesus.. break through all my defences.. Empower me"... My defences..

I wasn't sure what are they.. But God broke through my defences.. "Empower me. Like a rushing wiver flowing to the sea. Lord sent your Holy Spirit flowing out through me. Till I am living as Your child. Victorious and free. Sent the power of your LOVE empower me.."

It was then that i was reminded of my name.. David=God's Beloved.. God's Beloved is going into the sea where she is going to face challanges, big waves, uncertainties and the list just goes on.. But God's Beloved has her Daddy's empowerment.. She needs to be brave for the blood and trust that His anointing already covers her every word.

Be brave.. I am trying.. The very reason why i am still staying on is really becoz of the kids and some of my colleagues.. 65% kids 35% colleagues.. 100% me.. Becoz i don't like changes... But.. I don't like english as well..

As much as i wanna love the kids, i need to teach them as well.. I really love some of the kids.. I love the NT kids becoz they are really like brothers... Some of them, brothers who have gone astray.. I was so touched the other day when i read their essays on their dreams and aspirations.. Police officer, chefs, designers.. Simple dreams.. But sometimes, adults just kill their dreams and make them feel as if it was impossible to fulfill them.. It is difficult.. But... At least they do have dreams.. I am struggling hard to keep mine.. for the sec 2s... they are my form class... some of them are really adorable (like me).. like my little brothers... they call me sihui jie jie after school... i dunno whether it is appropriate according to the school or moe... but i feel that it makes me feel closer to them.. and that is what i care about... after all, those who call me sihui jie jie are the nicer kids in class.. i feel stress in my sec 3NA class.. they intimidate me and make me feel small... there are some nice boys inside as well.. but really only a handful.. Sometimes, i fear not being capable enough to teach them well..

though i love the boys and i should learn to perservere, but i am still considering of going away... i would allow Him to stretch me.. But not longer than what i really can hold on to... And unless there is a clear sign from Christ, i would still stay on..

The passage that struck me today:

"And now I will show you the most excellent way.
1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

1 Corinthians 12:31-13:7

The most excellent way to carry on now.. To cover myself with love.. If i have all the knowledge i have to pass to them and i have not love... I am nothing.. A simple passage.. But i almost always forget that Love is the most excellent way to carry on...

I dunno how many "i cannot" have i said... But.. I may feel that i cannot, but God can!

I told miss teo the other day i am sorry... i remember that i used to ignore her in math class.. though i was one of the few who would still look up and talk to her occasionally, to a large extent, i don't always give my FULL attention.. though i was still doing math, and i would still ask her whenever i need help, but still, it wasn't my full attention.. she must have felt bad.. coz i am feeling bad now becoz some of my students ignored me in class.. but i know she still loves me the most.. becoz i am her favourite student..

this is one of the rare times where i can seat down and type a long long blog entry.. i am usually too tired after work and the weekend seems to be always pack.. i am teaching sec 1E CME! Haha.. and i love relieving some sec 4 classes who give me their full attention when i am sharing about JC life :) And serious stuffs aside... I am turning 19 soon.. and no.. no bf, no fiance, no husband.. think we have to settle for my 18th spiritual birthday.. will still be praying for my hubby.. hee.. :)

Love

I din know that it would be so difficult to love.. At different point of this year, i have been learning about the lesson of loving.. I've never really found it difficult to love.. But God changed my perception of love.

First, it was people whom i admire but doesn't seem so perfect after all. Understanding why i really love them.

Second, it was new people whom i am going to meet.. The student camp kids... I still remember how during dedication night God broke me down and reminded me of how much He loved me throughout my 18 years... Every single time He held me tight in His arms.. And He just wanted me to bring this msg to the kids... And I didn't do it... He did it through me... I knew that it was beyond my capacity to show these ppl the love of Christ.. Yet when they told me that they learnt about how much Christ loves them, i knew it was Christ touching thier lives..

Third, loving my friends for who they are.. I learnt even more this few months how difficult it is to truly love a friend.. To accept the person for who he/she is... No matter how much he/she hurt you.. You still choose to love and accept the person... It may be unintentional.. It may just be in the character... It may be part of the progression in the friendship.. But no matter how deep the hurt has been... I am learning to put it aside... As much i would want them to love me for who i am, i would love them for who they are.. Yet, it also means when to speak the truth with love, correcting each others shortcomings, in love...


Last week, i mentioned about taking a new tution kid... I mentioned about a week filled with excitement.. No... It was a week filled with disappointments, rejections, and a sense of failure... I've almost never felt so lousy about myself before.. I know that some ppl may not understand.. I don't even know whether those ppl who says they understand truly understands or not.. But it doesn't matter... Their support for this week was important.. I din know it was so tiring to love.. This job not only cost me my time, it cost me my dignity and justice.. Did silly things i never imagined i would do, at least not this week..

Felt cheated... Ok.. That is still too strong a word to use.. Felt 委屈... On friday night, i broke down... It's no longer about my tution kid.. It was family, friends and everything else... Just feel 委屈. Teared in front of pris and in cell.. But i cried at home.. It was so painful.. Haven't cried like that for very long le.. That immense pain.. I cannot even remember why is it so hurting.. Thought of many ppl that night.. Thought of my ny senior cheryl, thought of mdm ho, thought of miss teo.. 正当你受到委屈时，感到无助时，你难免会想到曾经守候在你身旁的一些人. I miss miss teo... ha.. double miss.. miss her so much... i even wish ppl like mr tay would be around to crack some silly jokes, and drop some encouragements after that...

Only 2 weeks out of college, and i realised how much ppl can hurt you.. Reminds me of Mr pereira... Some of the things he said.. It is so hard to love like Christ during times like this... Come to think of it, i do not deserve God's love in the first place.. His grace and mercy... I was unworthy... But that's why it is called grace.. "Grace is unbroken, uninterrupted, unearned, accepting relationship."
-Changes that heal- A book...

This is only the beginning.. I wish life was simpler... Wish ppl was simpler... I am slowly understanding why some ppl say i may have difficulty surviving in the future.. But i know how much Christ will protect me and equip me to face this world.. Through my walk with Him, through ppl around me.. I am still thankful for ppl who has been by my side.. Since primary school, till now.. before that, i can't really remember le..

I am feeling better le.. not really becoz of ppl... of coz there are close friends like roy and pris and tian tian who have been there encouraging me... And miss teo replied me yesterday... I am going to drop her and mr pereira a letter soon.. i promised her.. still miss her though she ask me not to... ya... so feeling better... becoz He is picking me up... Cheryl reminded me how much Jesus loves me... :)

Being satisfied in the Lord.. I am still learning... To be satisfied by Him alone.. Satisfied by His love... Satisfied by Him loving me.. And that i can love others with His love as well..

Shall share a song

I Stand In Worship - Music & Words by Karen Lim of NCC

In Your hand are the depths of the earth
And the heights of the heavens above
I worship and bow down
Kneel before You, my Lord and maker

In Your hand is the breath of my soul
In Your love I stand righteous and bold
To honour You, my King
Glorify You, my redeemer

With open arms I stand in worship
Feel Your love’s embrace
In reverence I enthrone You, Jesus
Lifter of my head
With gratefulness I stand before You
Faithful, loving King
I rest in hope for You are my portion
With thankfulness, I sing

He is the lifter of my head.. In moments like these, especially when i feel bad about myself, I am reminded that He is the lifter of my head.. My assurance found in Him alone.. Made righteous by the blood of Christ, becoz of His love.. And becoz of that, i need to learn to be bold as i face this world.. Resting in hope becoz i know that He is my portion..

After soo long...

Ya... After about a month... I've finally decided to update my little space.
A's are over for about 1 week plus already... 1 week... did some exciting stuffs...

Just went to this "Millionaire-Minded" seminar... Ha... Why was I there? 3 full days! 9am-11pm everyday! But nope... I didn't commit myself to it.. Left for cell on friday night, sat service on sat afternoon, and went for service plus choir prac on sunday..
The speaker was this guy called T.Harv Eker and this Robert guy... "T." stands for "The one and only". OK... If you know me, you would know that i am not interested in getting wealthy... Was there becoz i got a free ticket from my uncle... But i learnt something anyway...
It was a holistic training... Training you to be wealthy and to be compassionate... Well... Joined whenever i can to learn how he motivates, teaches and influences the 5000 over people. OK... I dun deny the fact that i don't understand why ppl pays 1000 over dollars to listen to him. And his other programs and courses costs 5000 and above! Like... Woo... Didn't sit with my uncle and cousins on the 2nd day.. Decided to mingle around with these weird ppl. And ha... Met some cool ppl.. Well talking about meeting ppl... I saw an NY tutor, 4 church friends, 1 ex-politician, 1 actress...
Changed my perceptions of getting wealthy... Learnt some stuffs about money management as well.. Well... But seriously... I went there to expose myself and gain a broader perspective to what is happening in the world. Well.. A chance to listen to a world-class speaker... Why not? Learnt some of the stuffs that may be useful in the future... :)
Both Harv and Robert are talented speakers. :) Wanna know what i learnt? Ask me personally k...

Before the seminar was a birthday celebration with my SOT friends on thursday... Really enjoy their companionship so soo much... We talked about some spiritual stuffs. I really believes in spirits that are beyond the human realm. Spirits that are capable of harming and protecting us. But currently, I only know of a spirit, the Holy Spirit of God that was sent to "convict the world of guilt in regard to sin and righteousness and judgment:in regard to sin, because men do not believe in me; in regard to righteousness, because I am going to the Father, where you can see me no longer; and in regard to judgment, because the prince of this world now stands condemned. " John 16:8-11. The day i decided to believe in Christ, I am made righteous by the blood of Christ. Something that I have learnt. Will update about this again. Ya... Spirits... I only know of this Holy Spirit who will never... NEVER harm those He loves. The only One i can trust... Will explore more about the Holy Spirit... But recently i have some cool teachings from my friends like Jia Yi and Tracy... About their faiths... Always remind me about how i learnt from Suhaimi.. :)

My boss didn't go for the celebration becoz he was grouchy that day. Boss.. Ya... From monday to wednesday, I was being exploited as a child labour at SOT. Ok... I wasn't exploited... Didn't expected to get paid anw... Ha... Was settling the fees that we owe Old Tong.. How much do we owe him in total? About 42 000! Ha.. Learnt what it was like to be an accountant, a MARIA (becoz i was like a maid, helping him run some silly errands like paying fines!), and an architect.. Yup.. I can't draw... Ha... Went to a meeting with Miss Kuik and Uncle with a group of architects.. Enjoy listening to these adults talk and discuss.. (HEY! I am an adult already!) They are a group of Christians as well.. No boss... Just same interests and got together.. A concept like SOT.. Ha... Maybe will start a buiness with some pals with similar interest soon.. (Well.. I've a millionaire mind now!) Told my gang of NY friends that we can start a Child of Thought... A child care centre! Ha.. I love kids below 4.. Oh well... Ya... Had my first job the week after my exams! And my first boss is quite cool.. Ha..

Went to the bird park last sunday! Family Day with my Papa, Mama, Didi, 6 Uncle, 6 Auntie, cousins and...... my AH MA!!!!!!! hee... Is there a case for bird parks? Yes! Who cares about what that bird is called... Places like bird parks are cool place for outings... I was thinking if i should post the photos online... But... I feel weird posting photos on my blog... Wanted to take the previous photos down as well... But i didn't... But... Still decided that i am not going to post photos up anytime soon... Unless i go for a seminar called "POST YOUR PHOTOS MINDED"... Ha... The 3 days in the millionaire minded seminar has drove me crazy...

Went for my cousin's wedding after my hist paper... Yup... Last friday was my cousin's wedding.. So fun... Make me wanna get married too :) Still praying for my future husband! Haha... Talking about husband... He must be able to pronounce PAGEONE the same was as I do... One of the requirements... Becoz it will mean we have the same frequency!

The A's had been a fun experience... I think i am strange.. Becoz i used the word FUN... Ha... Ya... It was nice walking through this journey with ppl who loves you and getting closer with ppl around you... Yup... It has been a truly meaningful journey...
1st: I got closer to some of my friends in SOT... They are one of the most valuable gifts in this A's journey... The private candidates, my classmates... I know that i will miss them...

2nd: I've come to realise the tutors around me who loves me... I had a five paper week on my first week of exams... And before every single of my papers, we prayed... Ah Pei and Uncle prayed with me the night before my 1st paper, Chi paper one... Lin lao shi gave me a hug before i went in for the exam and they(lin lao shi and zhuang lao shi) waited outside when we finished.. Met up with Uncle before the GP exam, and Miss Darrell prayed and gave me a hug before i went into the exam hall.. Miss Lorraine prayed for me through the phone before my Chi paper two..(i was sooo nervous!) Huang Lao Shi sent Chen Yan Tong Lao Shi to give me a hug and Zhang Lao Shi gave me a pat on my back before i went in.. And both of the stood outside after our papers too! Ok... Miss teo din give me a hug before math paper... But i know she loves me... so it's ok.. And last but not least, Mr Mao prayed for us before we went in for history exam... It was a week of back to back papers but a week of me understanding how much these tutors love me..

But most importantly... It has been a faith-building experience... I learnt to love first before everthing else... "If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing." 1 Corinthians 13:2.. Have been praying for wisdom, learning not to doubt, trusting that God will bring me through this exam again.. But soon... I learnt that so what if i do well? If i have not love those around me... I am nothing... NOTHING... David-God's Beloved... Ya... That's what my name means... As God's Beloved, i wanna spend my life sharing His love... Forgive me for the times when i failed to love... Faith-Building... Becoz this journey had been one where i walked with God, i just need to trust that my results are already in His hands... I have tried... 2 years... I am already out of my JC... God has taught me soo much... Brought so many important people into my life... Will miss them...

Recently... Ppl have been commenting that i won't survive next time... Even uncle says that... But he says i will learnt to... That's why he asked me to consider SMU... Will do... But... Why?
I realised that the road of following Christ makes me look silly sometimes... "I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves." Matthew 10:16 I told uncle the other day that i just cannot reconcile the idea of being a snake and a dove at the same time... Was talking to wei wen ge on sat night(ha... skipped the millionaire night session.. but... learnt quite a lot from him!)... I don't deny the grooming part is important.. Oh... Uncle mentioned too that he wanna teach me how to groom myself so that i dun mess up my interview... But ok... i will learn... But about the survival part... I don't need affirmation from man... If i have been giving some ppl such perception.. then i am sorry... Learnt that whatever i do, as long as i am glorifying Daddy, that's enough... I'm accountable to Him... Affirmation from ppl i treasure is important.. Discouragements from others may affect me... But i'm learning to take things positively... :) Was telling Roy the other day that nobody is depriving me of the rights of being upset when ppl say or do certain things.. But it is how i respond after a faces my emotions that matters ultimately.. Still learning... Talk is cheap... Action speaks louder than words.. :) Will learn...

I am justified by the blood of Christ once! Once and for all, saved! But the sanctification process is for life... Walking with Jesus, learning to be like Him... You will really get influenced by the person you spent most time with... Really! Especially those you love.. I wanna get influence by Christ :)

Will update again... I am teaching a new tution kid ENGLISH! Meeting up with my disciples too... Must prepare some stuffs before beggining the next week filled with excitement!:)

Shall share a Psalm:
Psalm 34
Of David. When he pretended to be insane before Abimelech, who drove him away, and he left.
1 [a] I will extol the LORD at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.
2 My soul will boast in the LORD;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.

3 Glorify the LORD with me;
let us exalt his name together.

4 I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.

5 Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.

6 This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles.

7 The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,
and he delivers them.

8 Taste and see that the LORD is good;
blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.

9 Fear the LORD, you his saints,
for those who fear him lack nothing.

10 The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.

11 Come, my children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD.

12 Whoever of you loves life
and desires to see many good days,

13 keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from speaking lies.

14 Turn from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.

15 The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous
and his ears are attentive to their cry;

16 the face of the LORD is against those who do evil,
to cut off the memory of them from the earth.

17 The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.

18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

19 A righteous man may have many troubles,
but the LORD delivers him from them all;

20 he protects all his bones,
not one of them will be broken.

21 Evil will slay the wicked;
the foes of the righteous will be condemned.

22 The LORD redeems his servants;
no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him.

It is all about salvation

Christianity is not about doing good. It is about salvation.
It is about Jesus.
"I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10b

Many people turn to religion to do good. The establishments of NGOs and the opening of doors for OCIPs(Overseas Community Involvement Projects) starts to offer an alternative method to doing good. It seems like religion would start losing its function of providing people with moral values to do good. People can do good anyway. But... Righteousness is not doing what is morally correct.. Righteousness is about doing what is right in God's eyes.
"What does the Scripture say? "Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness." Romans 4:3
It was because of Abraham's faith in God, that whatever God commands, he would do.. Even to the point of sacrificing his most precious.. It was not about works.. It does not gratify himself, but it glorifies God. It signifies how the devil one does not have a control over the life of Abraham but his life is offered up to God.

"The words "it was credited to him" were written not for him alone, but also for us, to whom God will credit righteousness—for us who believe in him who raised Jesus our Lord from the dead. He was delivered over to death for our sins and was raised to life for our justification." Romans 4:23-25

Righteousness for us would come in the same form-Faith in God. Faith is targetted to a person, not to a thing. And this person manifest himself in Jesus Christ. We no longer lives in condemnation. Not becoz of our endless good works, but because of the blood of Christ. And for that faith, we are credited as righteous. The evil one would not have the ultimate control over us, as long as we have faith in Jesus. The justification is seen from the resurrection of our Lord Jesus Christ. Faith in God is the roots of the tree of my life. Whether this tree bears fruits or not is dependent upon how rooted I am in Christ, how much faith i have in Him. It is not how much i do, it is how much i trust.

“The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.”
The evil one will be as low profile as he can be, so that people will not guard against him. It is his greatest tool to manipulate man and push people away from God. Becoz of that, he will do all the charitable works he can, as many acts of kindness as he can. Becoz in our mind, evil and good cannot co-exist. But as established, it is not about "good" Vs "evil" as seen in the eyes of man. Good is about reconcilliation with God. When He created man, he saw that it was "good". He didn't create us with sins then. We were still obeying Him. The day we turned away from God, it became evil. There shouldn't be any harm eating a fruit. What is wrong is disobedience. It is turning away from salvation. For the evil one... his job is not to make all of us "bad" ppl. His job is to draw us away from the eternal God. As long as people do not turn to Christ, he will do it, even the good deeds.

It is not that NGOs or OCIPs or crisis relief teams are bad or always from the devil, in fact most of them are good. As Christians, we just need to adjust our perspectives towards such good works. It should never be used as a way of self gratification. We should never allow the devil to manipulate the acts of good works to distract us from understanding that we are righteous becoz of Christ death and His resurrection, never becoz of good works. Never...

Lifestyle evangelism.
When a salesman comes to you, you are most likely to get turned off.. When you set up a retail shop, customers come to you and ask about your products. You are more likely to close the deal.
It is the same way with evangelism. When you live a life worthy of the gospel, it is equivalent to setting up your retail shop properly, with the products placed properly, strong branding, good services. Not only on the surface, but on the inside, your product must be pure. When people witness your life, they inquire. They want to know more about the "products", the fruits you bear. Different from the retail shop, is that whether the customers buy or not is not how persuasive you are. It is dependent upon our heavenly Father.

Today is one of the rare time during this busy exam period where we get to study at sot and spent some time with the ever so busy uncle tong.. ok... no one is suppose to know he was free.. but he wasn't free.. he was busy coming up with essay outlines, and handling some other stuffs like the never ending interviews.. Yes.. I studied today, but i learnt much more from him.. Ya... the above lessons was gathered from uncle.. He has dropped the thought of becoming a lion tamer.. He is called to spread Daddy's love.. Not spent 12 years trying to convert a lion.. Haha.. I will miss uncle tong when i graduate from SOT. I love the way he prepares lectures. I see that he loves us a lot. And i really treasure uncle too. Daddy loves me, Daddy loves Uncle tong, and we love Daddy too.

Divine Exchange

By: Lara Martin
Verse:
My heart is captivated Lord by You alone
Captured by the awesomeness of You alone
Melted by the grace and mercy You have shown
I stand in wonder
I reach to You the One who makes the blind eyes see
Who breaks the chains of sickness with authority
Restoring what was broken
So it may fly again

Chorus:
I live to worship You
I breathe to worship You
All of my days Your face I will seek
For as I worship You
You lead me to that place
To that place of divine exchange


Reflections:
I wish to be brought to the place of divine exchange with God. Where I can meet Him face to face, and be comforted by His grace. Many are going through tough times. But God is with us through these tough times as long as we seek Him. "I live to worship You, breathe to worship You, all my days Your face I will seek"... I realised that it is really not a simple task at all.. Not a simple task in this lost and depraved world that we are in. Not easy at all because so many ppl around are seeking other things... And it is not easy overcoming these feelings of depression when you don't get the tangibles... I know that I should fix my eyes on Jesus. I will try... "All of my days, Your face I will seek." I will try... His love is so great... Yet my faith is so small... I know He wants me to carry my cross.. Even when ppl see me as a fool.. He wants me to carry my cross... And He wants me to understand that i live not for the world.. But i live for Him... Divine Exchange.. God is willing to exchange His Son for my life... What have i to offer in exchange? Nothing but a sinful self... Nothing but my own selfish desires... Do you not understand?

"And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple."
Luke 14:27

i survived!

wOOwoo.... i survived four back to back papers! tue 8-11 chi paper 1... tue 2-4.15 econs essay... wed 8-11 math... wed 2-5 hist sea... woo...

something that i realised about myself... about my attitude towards going for an exam.. i was just wondering what should i say if ppl asked me if i studied or not... i mean i guess when face with exams, ppl will usually study... is just whether the revision is completed or not... i guess one can never truly define what it means by finish studying.. "you can never finish studying..." haha... thts what a lot of ppl say... well i agree... especially for a rather insecure person like me... haha... talking about insecurity, i rmb how i was so upset with Mr Tong just the other day coz i felt insecure about my GP... but i realised today that it is alright to not study finish you see... the important thing that i wanna strive to achieve is to enter the exam hall knowing that my confidence is not in all that i studied but in the God whom i trust... and with that, i should feel safe and secure...

"You're not made for the As..." Mr Tong told me the other day... not becoz he thinks that i am not capable enough... all he wants to let me know is i do not belong to the world... i am not governed by the world's values... i belong to Jesus... and all He requires of me is to work hard and go into the exam hall trusting that He will be by my side as i do the exam... and I am not made for the As... If God wants me to be at the top, He will place me at the top... in fact, it doesn't even matter... What matters is whether i pass on the love He has given me...

Hehee... that was a small part of what i learnt from ah tong the other day... he was explaining to me an online game he was playing when i was taking a break from the studying... it is fun seeing someone like him getting all excited over computer games.. oh... and he allowed SOT to be my 2nd home! i dunno if it is normal... but he is such a nice brother that i wish i can intro him to all my friends... hee... just like how i wanted my school mates to know Ke li... but of coz that was not becoz she is nice... but becoz she is my uncommon friend...

and i realised that there are more ppl who reads my blog than what i actually knows... actually... i just want this blog to be a record of what i learn from Daddy.. mostly for myself.. and.. its quite upsetting when ppl around me come telling me about what i wrote in my blog, things that i din tell them personally... it is not like i dun share or something... aiya... dunno la... and i realise i get upset when ppl judge how well mr tong teach based upon how good our english are... i rmb telling mr tong before it is stressful being his student... i guess he understands... but he wants me to speak the truth, not worrying about managing interest but speaking the truth that aligns with the reality of the God who loves us... the fact is... my GP grades are not improving... the fact is... i seem to be doing worse than before... truth... it doesn't matter.... it is not about the grades... it is about my intellectual capacity growing... it is about showing more empathy and concern for people around me... it is about being able to learn from a brother like ah tong.... though it is irritating that you pay to build this relationship.. haha... but i know our siblinghood will go even beyond classes...

WOW... i know how to upload pics le!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Arent you guys just so impress!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am impress!!!!!!!!! haha... and the first pic... me and my beloved brother yee... he is also known as uncle yee.. :)

Since i just learn this beautiful knowledge of uploading pics... haha... let me give a brief introduction of the few most significant relationship in my life now... 1st person is none other than uncle yee... his pic is already on top... 2nd... KE LI!!!
KE Li complained the other time that she lost to uncle yee... but she understands... haha...

next is dee and bing.. i realised i dun have pics with them...

you want to know the next few peeps???

Pris! We have become so close that we go and cut hair together!

Roy and Ser... My closer friends in NY....


These three peeps are my closest friend in NY... hee.. I enjoying saying grace with them... praying with them... and i just realised i forgot to pray with ROY before we go into exams hall... shall do it before econs next week and for the A's...


hee... i survived my college life partly becoz Daddy provided my with these three lovely sisters...

ok.. this is probably going to be one of the rare times that i am uploading pics on my blog... rmb how i use to say i dun like to update my life on this blog? but it is alright... it is quite cool being able to see ppl whom you love everytime you visit your own blog for some recap of lessons you learnt in life... And... Daddy is not part of this ranking... Becoz... He is my All in All... Forever and ever... Though sometimes i fail Him... I will try...


well... i probably din do very well this prelims... will study even more... for His glory...

Overwhelmed...

To tell you the truth... I was too focus on thanking God for ppl around me that i failed to realise that the God is the one whom i am suppose to thank most... He caught me offhanded and today i was overwhelmed by His grace, His love, His mercy... Just Him...

Last week... I especially thank Daddy for three teachers in my life...
1. Mr Tong Yee
2. Mr Pio Pereira
3. Mr Haniss

Don't ask me why all three are males... I just happen to have more male teachers... Haha...

All three of them... They exhibit God's love for me... And from each one of them, i learn so much more about Daddy... They impacted the live of this adorable individual (me) in ways that they may not even know... Mr Haniss is just cool... His famous quote "All Nanyang students are my students..." In him, i see a man who genuinely cares for his students... He said... "Have faith!" He is the second muslim (first one is Suhaimi) in my life who showed me what it really means to fear God. Mr Pereira... He makes me cry. But he taught me how to be tough. Not tough towards people but tough towards myself.. Learning to be strong emotionally... Learning to be independent...

Mr Tong... No... I cannot even begin to describe what this man has done... Truly, he is the best gift from God when i decided to enter NYJC.. Every time i learn something new from him or about him, i see God working in the life of this tall man... I shares about what i learn from him.. And i learn so soo much yesterday... Still overwhelmed till now... Will share again...
Wanna know a joke about him? I was having tea with him yesterday at bugis food court. After that we walked back to SOT together... And... I couldn't hear him speak clearly... Why? Because he is too tall!!!! 193 leh... The position of his mouth is so much higher than my ear! And the place is crowded so whenever he turns slightly away to talk, i can't hear anything!!!!!! Funny???? I think it is very funny... I haven't tell him though... coz we were talking about something serious then...

Was on the bus to school today... Yup... Then i was reflecting upon what i have been thinking about... "The only thing i deserve is to die", Mr Tong said yesterday... Ya... Thats so true... Yet we are given so much more... And i was overwhelmed by His love so greatly that nothing else around me matters anymore.. I din want to do anything.. I was just at peace, listening to Him, feeling His presence in the midst of the spinning world... Nothing else matters anymore... Simply because I have Daddy, that's enough... I am still learning... Learning this lesson of being satisfied with God...

Learnt so much these few dayssss.... Will type my thoughts in when i can afford the time... I am studying for my Prelims and A's now... And... Being quiet before Daddy doesn't just mean being in a quiet place...

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with that glory that will be revealed IN us." Romans 8:18

No more boxes and labels...

"I've got a Band 3..." "No you are a Band 1."
It doesn't matter how much his friends told him that he has supported them, and he truly deserves the Band 1. But becoz the Paper says he had a Band 3, everything else doesn't matter...
When did we start letting paper define us?
"The paper became soo strong in defining what you are suppose to do.. So much so that it becomes more important than your true self." It is very damaging...
Gifted... Special... Express... Normal... Abnormal... Subnormal... Why give these particular names?
"Hi this is my daughter.. She is from Cambridge.. She is doing her masters in Chemistry this year. Hi this is my son.. He is TALL.." I cannot even begin to imagine how it feels.. "Wa I am dead... I can't teach them becoz I was not from these colleges and I am not as good as these people... It doesn't matter how much i know inside..."
Why is your self-worth dependent upon these?

When you go to a friend, and you are pretty happy but you know your friend is depress... "Hey... are you ok?" "No...I am really depress.." "Er.. Ok.. Don't be sad.. Don't be depress.. Don't be stress.. Don't cry.. It's ok.. Don't be angry.." What is our solution to someone's emotional problems? Don't... Becoz if you do that, and if i see it, i need to sit there for hours to listen to you.. And i will have to get off the academic train with you while everyone is moving on.. Everyone is moving on, and i am here.. with you... so Don't...

These few points hit me so hard... I never really understood fully what it means that your self-worth is in God alone... Like... Nothing else really matters... Like... there is no need to angst over result.. the paper does not reflect who you are.. nothing else should define your own self-worth.. What am i worth? I am worth so much that the almighty God of Heaven and Earth, He sees me so precious that He sent His one and only begotten Son to die for my sins.. Still, I really cannot fully understand what it means... All i know is that it means that i should not see anything else more important than glorifying this God who loves me so much... It means that the papers are not the ones defining me.. It means that all i want to do is to please Him... And if studying hard pleases Him, i will study...

I dunno what it means to most people.. It may seem to be a confined life.. But you cannot even begin to imagine the immense joy being the child of the Most High God and pleasing Him.. It is like a young daughter trying to make her Daddy smile..

I am going to go through life doing what i like... What i love... Pleasing my God...
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers." Romans 8:28-29

I have grown to love this brother even more... Not the love that many other think is.. It is this love that grows becoz of Christ.. It is how i see everytime he teaches, he teaches with God in mind. How he brings across the love of Christ in such a way that i know it is not him loving, but Christ loving us through Him..
No... I am not hua xin... :)

Sins

I mentioned the other time that i would be having some reflections on sin... not that i have already reflected upon them... Just that i've learnt recently more about ppl's sins, and my own...

I guess everyone has his/her own struggles... not i guess.. i know... and many times, you can't based on how it looks on the surface...

i was talking to some ppl about how you really cannot judge the other ppl based on looks... most ppl says first impression counts... i guess it is true for all ppl... for me, it used to be the first impression, you must give me the "decent" look... give an example... Mr Pereira and Mr Chee... Based on looks, i would have a better impression on Mr Pereira rather than Mr Chee, though the latter is much better looking and "cooler"... but Mr Chee spikes his hair and is quite fashionable.. and... i sometimes dun really understand why sometimes these ppl must waste their time spiking their hairs.. on the contrary, Mr Pereira dun spikes his hair, he has this toot toot image, and i just kind of like such serious ppl... Jia Mian was like that or is like that also... Ok... Back to Mr Pio and Mr Chee... As times pass, i got to know Mr Chee better and he is really soooo nice la... and Mr Pio is not that nice after all, he made me cry more than once becoz of math... So basically my impression changed after i got to know ppl more...
My point... I used to sterotype ppl based on whether they dye or spike their hair.. I dun really like... I don't show it... but... i guess i would feel in my heart, "these ppl wun fall in my category of heart attacks." haha... ok... this is a small point... My bigger point is... i guess all of us have our own struggles... maybe some ppl would prefer to spent more time on their hair or clothes... you see... just different... like how i spent more time on lazing around.. that is my struggle... just tht the former one is my evident... lazing around is something i do in my private sphere... oh well...

this is suppose to be a more serious post... really realised about how one's sins can affect ppl around him/her... i guess i am hurt... ok... i am hurt... but... i know Daddy is going to bring me thru...

it is time i face my sins too... anw... i hereby declare that yup... i can sense it again... i can sense the tearing apart of my soul and my heart... how it is coming again... just like how it came a few years back... the hurts are coming back... but it once again teaches me to rely on Him...

"We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!" Romans 7:14-25

Mrs Goh shared this passage with me the other time when i am upset... when i am dragged down by all the things that is happening around me... when all the evil things are happening around me... God is the only one picking me up from this body of death.

"To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

Yup... His power is made perfect in my weaknesses...

Sins... How i long to leave it...

Going back to the original

I wonder if anyone actually came to my blog when it became PINK... Hmm...

I've told some friends about how i am learning to explore technology and how i am just so excited when i learn how to change my blog template... No.. you are not seeing things... it is black again!

I kept the links.. coz actually i originally just wanted to add the Hedonese and agora link... They are really cool! And than as i explore... i realised i could change some stuffs... oh well... i guess due to my weird mood recently, i clicked on that weird pink background... but the more i think about it... the more i feel that it is soo not me... just not me... so.... after putting it up for about 2 days... i changed it back...

not that i love black... but becoz i really want to keep this blog simple.. not as if the previous skin was fanciful... in fact, it is not... haha... but i still think the colours are too distracting... and... i really like plain plain stuffs... not that i am a plain girl... maybe i am boring (the things that i do)... but i am not plain...

and... i am even thinking of removing pris's and ruo yi's blog links... why? hmm... i think i am still not use to the idea of linking here and there... and.. i was just thinking that if i am not going to remove it, does it mean that i am going to put ppl like tian tian and kelly they all blog links on my blog too (since i forget their blog address often...)... Oh well... i am still deciding... you will know the answer when you see either addition or subtraction to my blog links... but.. if i add links like agora, it is really simply becoz i wanna connect ppl who reads my blog (which i wonder how many) to other christian authors around or to other thinkers around... guess it allows me to broaden my worldview and i want my friends to broaden their worldview as well... haha... i am not trying to say that my friends' blogs are myopic... it is more about personal life right? that's why i am unsure... once again.. when i've decided you will see from the links...

Something to share besides my "going back to original"... Ah tong shared during the religion lecture that the world dominated by science will be a world govern by human mind... logic... oh well... and right now... as we are govern by physical laws.. no secular laws have existed that could control the meta-physical realm, our mind included... It is part of our private morality...

"Private morality is a matter of the heart. It lies in the unseen realm of our inner worlds of thoughts, emotions and values.
The hands of the law are to short to transform and empower the society to be a "pious, religious, disciplines, dignified, noble and trustworthy society." -An extract from the hedonese blog...

When it comes to secular law, maybe it din mean to transform the world to be religious in the first place... But the least it seeks to attain is to make our society trustworthy.. If this world is govern by human mind-logic, and nothing else... can we really become a trustworthy society? what value systems would influence the human mind? How do we even ensure the so called "logic" is logical in the first place... In the age of uncertainty, how can one be certain of an absolute law that can allow ALL mankind to trust?

I am tired... Hopefully i get to think deeper in this area.. Right now i am not going to dig deeper... REcently i learnt something about sin... Haven't really reflect on it yet (maybe i will when i go to the toilet later)... So i am not going to type my disorganised thoughts here...

Another thing i have been learning recently (may be days, months or may be a year) is about God using His people in the market place... Pastor Lawrence shared with me about the fact that there should be influential Christians entering the market place... And he was wondering if i would want to be an economist next time... And how i read about soo many talents going into full-time ministry... NOTHING is wrong with that... Just that how can those Christians in the marketplace influence others than... And how God has been teaching me about shining wherever you are...

I shared with Kanitta (KeLi) the other day that i think God has been treating me like Isaiah... Pastor Dai was sharing about how God din CALL Isaiah by name asking him to go here and go there... God appeared and has somewhere in mind He wants to reach out to, and asked "WHom shall I send, and who will go for us?" "Here am I, send me!" Isaiah replied... (Isaiah 6:8)
I guess when Isaiah had such a close encounter with God, all he wanted to do was to serve His Lord forever..

I always wonder where God "called" me to go... Like how Dianne and Kanitta have quite clear vision of where God wants them to go.. Just like how God called Jonah and all... But i don't really have.. I know i want to be a preacher... And i know that if one day God calls me for full-time ministry, i will go... But i really dunno...
And i think until this stage of me life... God hasn't called me like the way He called Jonah... I have no specific place to go... And God taught me that it is alright... He speaks to different people differently, and His plans are just soo cool that I won't understand.. And... Why i say He is treating me like Isaiah... It is not like as if other JCs have no need... Not like other place have no need... But right there and than, when i had an amazing accounter with my Lord and when He showed me this JC, i was like "ok i will go..." I MUST admit that i really don't have as much faith as i have at the later stage (after my 1st three months)... by than i was a bit like Jonah... But it was not reluctance... It was more of fear... But i continued on anyway...
And ya.. So i've learnt that i am going to be like Isaiah, telling God that I am ready... Whenever He shows me a place and He wants me to go, i will go...
I am praying... And I know all He desire of me now is to obey Him and love Him like a child... And i am struggling with sins... ANd like Paul, i know what i am suppose to do... But i still fall... And i am learning... Original sins... Original love... God's love was original, and He died for my original sins, and He wants me to go back to my original faith...
Hee... So exciting and confusing... And I really love my ah ma! she may need to go for an eye operation... haha.. i told her that she must go leh... coz like that she can help me see my husband-to-be next time with a clearer view... hahahahahaha.... silly me...

Inquiring

"I am a Christian. But I am an academic as well."
Well... Seems like a dual role... But being an academic is actually a subset of being a Christian. It is not mutually exclusive. It is not like I am a Christian and I am a atheist. This 2 are mutually exclusive. It cannot co-exist.
Anw... Going back to my point... Why did i type the first statement? We had GP lessons at Ah Tong's place today, and there was a follow-up on the conflicts between science and religion (mainly the monotheistic ones).. And there were lots of qns, taking into consideration it was already about 10.. I have a few classmates who are quite atheistic in nature, or they do not believe in a creator of the universe. To be more specific, they find a lot of inconsistency or doubt the truth in the Christian Bible. I think Ah Tong has been giving quite a neutral viewpoint on creation and evolution.. To the extent that someone actually pop up the question. "Why are you so neutral? You free thinker ar?" I thought they always knew he was a Christian since i remember hearing him mentioning it before.. Ya lor... Than he say "No, I am a Christian." Than someone probe further... "So you believe in creation?"... "I dunno, i am still finding answers myself.. I am a Christian, but i am an academic as well." He replied, giving me a look that seems to be telling me that, "do you understand what that means?"..
This guy always spur me to think... Haha... Taking into consideration i am already a thinker.. He is a Christian, supposedly having the truth.. Yet being an academic, he wants and is suppose to study more and find out more.. 以信求知！I think as Christians, we receive the grace from God, enabling us to have the faith in Him, and we than seek to gain more knowledge of Him.. And i always believe and know that knowledge of the world just draws us closer to the creator when we already have this relationship with Him. The head of the human geonome project once said that the moment of discovery of the human genes enabled him to catch a glimpse into God's mind. It was something that he never knew but God knew it all along..
As an inquirer in the world, we seek the answers to unexplained phenomenum in the world, we analyse situations, trends, do all sorts of different thing to gain knowledge.. Would we disprove the existence of God, the creator of the world we see as we find more answers? I don't really understand mentalities of atheist or skeptics yet.. Some of them argues that science can reinforce your faith if you are already a believer as there are supposedly evidence to prove the event written in your sacred text (like the parting of the red sea) but to a non-believer, it holds no meaning.. But.. the very reason why the person is a non-believer, is becoz he don't believe it to be true.. If there are evidence to show that it may be true, and it still holds no meaning to you... than isn't it a state of denial instead? It may not be concrete evidence... But it shows a greater possibility of what this religion is trying to say is true.. are there benefits of being a skeptic or an atheist? I really don't understand... Maybe i would go find out more about skeptics and atheist..
Really, inquiring is good.. But... SO what is i know a lot but ultimately refuse to enter into a relationship with this God? Just for temporal recognition of being know as a smart chap? Come on... So what if you canbe smart for 70 years? Are people sometimes putting their eternity at stake? I can know a lot about President Bush, but would it make a difference if i don't have a relationship with him? In comparison, by knowing more about my father, i learn to do things that will please him and learn to accept him for who he is... The same way with God... SO what if we know a lot yet have no relationship with Him? He is like a King, extending His invitation for us to have an opportunity to be in full communion with Him, and through these, can get to know Him more... But some people choose not to... They choose to analyse Him from afar, trying means to disprove His soverignty, His power, and even His existence.. Some knows a lot, but it won't make a difference in their life...

Ok... I am kind of tired after a day of history, GP and thinking... I think i need time to rest... God.. Help me to learn to love You more throught my questions and my thoughts..

The Beauty of Forgiveness...

I love this brother of mine...
In the past... It used to be because he just seems soo perfect... 190 and above, charismatic, brilliant, rich, sensitive, love God, love man.... Now... I've got to know more about him... i remember telling miss darrell before that "hey.. i realised that he is not that impressive after all..."
true... when i said that, it was probably because i really dunno him... he was indeed not very impressive... so wad if he is 190 and above... the height strains your neck... so what if he is charismatic... as time goes by, not that charismatic after all... or the passion dies... rich... who cares? sensitive... ok... that i admit is important.. but he is not always sensitive... (though most of the time he is...:P)... love God... love man... as i learn more about these, i love him more...

"My dear sihui, your fight is not tomorrow... it is for life... God has set a higher purpose for you. One that should put your trial tomorrow into perspective... " "Aways have that higher purpose in mind. The evil one will throw all sorts of nonsense our way. Your godly duty as a student is to set your eyes on Jesus and ask yourself what he would do. Would he angst over results or performance? Or trust that his duty is to gain the favor of God, not man." --- A msg from him before my block test.
He teaches with God in mind... and he wants me to learn with Daddy in mind...

The beauty of forgiveness.. Ever since i got to know slightly more about his past... I do not deny the fact that i was affected... Ke li knows about that... she knows how much i love him, and how highly i regard him as my brother... no words could explained how i felt (i don't think it is because my vocab is limited..).. this brother reminded me that is was because of his mistakes, of his past, that Jesus died, He truly loves us...

He shared about his past.... He wanted to teach... He wanted to impact the lives of others... He was teaching with God in mind... He truly loves his students... And i've grown to love this brother a lot because of this... God has forgiven him... who are we as humans to form opinions of a man who truly acknowledges his mistakes? God loves him... i will not dare to say all of us would love him like before anymore... but i love him... love him even more than before... love him because God uses him to love me... because God uses him to remind me that God loves me... God forgave my sins the way He forgave my brother...

The beauty of forgiveness... Forgiveness comes love and acceptance...

When Jesus died on the cross.. It must have been difficuly... He knew people would hurled insults at Him... He knew people would laughed at Him... But for the sake of those He loves, He went up to the cross with His outstretched arm and said "Father, forgive them for they do not know what they are doing" Jesus forgave me the day He choses to die... He choose to love and accept me... It must have been soo painful... But He loves me...

The beauty of forgiveness... This brother taught me... And he reminded me... God loves and accepts me....

The Glory of God is man, fully alive!

"The Glory of God is man fully alive" ~St. Irenaeus
Man = Sinful = Fall Short of God's Glory.
Man is NOT = to God's glory
When man was first created by God in His image, it is to glorify Him. Man was in full communion with God. We were fully alive, taking care of the things He entrusted us.
But... The moment man choose to disobey, sin entered into our lives and broke our communion with God. The wages of sin is death. That instant, we are no longer fully alive. We no longer live the life God intended us to live.
God loves us. He sent Jesus down as man to die for our sins. Jesus came to earth as man. He had no sins. He was the only man who was fully alive. The glory of God was fully revealed in the life of Jesus. Jesus was His Son. The Son without sins, the Son whom God is well pleased with.
Jesus came to give us life “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full” (John 10:10)
The purpose of God—the very thing He’s staked His reputation on—is man coming fully alive?
He gave Jesus... To cover us with His blood. He wants us to repent... To die to our sins... To live the life He intended us to live.. He wants us to be resurrected with Jesus, that we may become fully alive, that we may reveal His glory.

How great the love He has for me! How can i forget... How can i stay away... How can i not be drawn towards... God keep me close to You... If there is anything He can take away, take away my choice of running away from Him. Take away that choice of not choosing Him. God... take it away...

Lighting...

Sometimes, people chooses to light up paper... I saw the papers being burnt...

When someone pass away, we burnt paper... The lights around the casket... What do they symbolises? Is it that important that those lights and papers are being lit or burnt?

Does my life light up the lives of others? Isn't that more important than so many things we light up with earthly fire? Do i allow my life to burn and shine for Christ?

"I want you to see the importance of your life in how well you pass on the love I have given you. I want you to see your years as important because you have given them to Me... live your days for Me.. If you do not, it will be as though I never came..." -Conversations with Jesus-

Many times, i tire myself up as i work for the future.. It is not wrong to think about the future.. Not wrong to plan... Suddenly I am reminded of the paradox of thrift... well... if i plan too much, i forget to live my day as it is... if i save too much money, i create too much withdrawal in the economy... the economy will shrink... in the same way, my life is not lived to the fullest because of how i keep tiring myself up because of the future.. and many times i forget that what God requires of me really is just to pass on His love... If tomorrow i were to die, what did i leave in the world today?

i miss mr hannis and mr ng... and.. yup.. i wanna nominate mr nandwani for the president teacher award.. if i nominate mr nathan i think he sure win one (coz of his name though)... I guess mr hannis, mr ng and mr nandwani just light up the lives of others in special ways...

and i grow to love two of my sisters kanitta and dianne so much recently... how i really realised once again they are so precious and dear to me... shu yi jie too... and i think yup, these are people who light up my life..

today miss darrelll talk to me... she told me her name has the same meaning as my name.. both darrell and david means beloved...

hehe... i am God's beloved... I want my family members to be God's beloved too.. i pray to be a blessing to those around me.. i know that i will still fall and fail sometimes.. but i know He is always by my side...

i am the light and salt of the earth... God called me to be one..

resolving...

why the title "resolving"? guess it is a time to resolve some stuffs within and without.. hehee... sounds wrong...

wanted to update my blog quite a few times... things has been not going quite right... but i dun want to grumble... and i want to learn to face problems with God, not with the computer.. well... "trusting in God..." yup... though i have changed my nick today, but the trusting process will go on till the day i go back to Him in heaven..

i remember saying that i seldom update my blog unless i really cannot take it.. need a place to type how i feel.. "cannot take it" may mean that i am consume by thoughts or emotions or ideas... hehe... so the term may not be negative... at least not in my context...
well... one year pass by quickly... i remembered last year, i was still a sec 4 student... looking back at the past one year, God has been gracious... I learnt a lot, cried a lot, laugh a lot, fell a lot, doubt a lot... and He was with me all the time... to teach, to dry my tears, to laugh with me, to pick me up, to answer.. assuring me that all i need to do is listen, trust and obey... it definitely was not easy, many times i failed to do so.. but one thing i learnt... a man's failure does not determine God's failure... becoz He is who He is, He dun fail, He just makes everything beautiful in His time...

there was many changes in life... i made some real good friends in college... ppl who laugh with me, study with me, shared with me.. God blessed me with them.. and i want to be their blessings as well.. sometimes i dunno how, sometimes i fail... but well... it is only one year... i know we have many more years to go.. i promise to invite them to my wedding at the parade square.. i wun forget.. and even if i do, i have a back up plan! (opps.. inside joke) i was wondering am i really quirky? well... i just like to see ppl around me happy.. so wad if i look silly.. hehe...

resolving... yup... resolving some of my feelings... yes... once again, sihui is emotional... and i really love ppl around me... really really love them.. and it definitely include papaya, honeydew and my favourite heYdi! (opps... another inside joke..) but wad is inside joke? i actually do not really hide my feelings for ppl.. and i guess this is why some ppl gets confuse... well.. i love ppl around me... but ppl like papaya and honeydew and my favourite heYdi are special in my life.. see... i love all of us becoz of the qualities we have since we are created after God's own image.. tht's y i love oreo coz i think he is nice in his own ways.. (opps.. another one..) but i specially love the 2 fruits and heYdi becoz.. hehe... they are attractive to me wad!

resolving... ya lorh... need to resolve my feelings for those i kind of find it hard to love.. haiz... ppl who has been hurting me real badly..
resolving.. also for those who use to have a special place in my heart but i am feeling hurt recently becoz of them... sometimes it is just weird.. it is not like how i love papaya n gang... it is different... it is how you used to be able to share but now u can't... and the feeling you have when you are around them.. it just feels weird... it is not only tht one person... but ya.. there is this special one whom i am tired with recently.. trying to get him out of tht special place... it is actually my fault actually.. i din make the effort to know him better.. but... i am tired of feeling weird/hurt becoz of him.. well.. guess yup... i need to resolve this...

hee.. i got to know this iron man from my school better recently.. he is a christian as well.. and he is like so cool.. so postive.. so encouraging... and like.. haha.. sometimes so like me.. and he is 18... from china.. and.. kind of like him... hey! but at least he is of my age.. ppl has been saying i only like mature old man.. no lorh.. iron man is not old.. papaya is not tht old either... and.. i like them coz they are mature, sensitive and will make a loving father... hey.. but papaya is not sensitive! well... haha.. means i dun like him the way ppl think i do...

resolving... well... i guess it is a process tht will go on...

a pessimist sees a hole.. an optimist sees a donut...
i see God!