I din know that it would be so difficult to love.. At different point of this year, i have been learning about the lesson of loving.. I've never really found it difficult to love.. But God changed my perception of love.
First, it was people whom i admire but doesn't seem so perfect after all. Understanding why i really love them.
Second, it was new people whom i am going to meet.. The student camp kids... I still remember how during dedication night God broke me down and reminded me of how much He loved me throughout my 18 years... Every single time He held me tight in His arms.. And He just wanted me to bring this msg to the kids... And I didn't do it... He did it through me... I knew that it was beyond my capacity to show these ppl the love of Christ.. Yet when they told me that they learnt about how much Christ loves them, i knew it was Christ touching thier lives..
Third, loving my friends for who they are.. I learnt even more this few months how difficult it is to truly love a friend.. To accept the person for who he/she is... No matter how much he/she hurt you.. You still choose to love and accept the person... It may be unintentional.. It may just be in the character... It may be part of the progression in the friendship.. But no matter how deep the hurt has been... I am learning to put it aside... As much i would want them to love me for who i am, i would love them for who they are.. Yet, it also means when to speak the truth with love, correcting each others shortcomings, in love...
Last week, i mentioned about taking a new tution kid... I mentioned about a week filled with excitement.. No... It was a week filled with disappointments, rejections, and a sense of failure... I've almost never felt so lousy about myself before.. I know that some ppl may not understand.. I don't even know whether those ppl who says they understand truly understands or not.. But it doesn't matter... Their support for this week was important.. I din know it was so tiring to love.. This job not only cost me my time, it cost me my dignity and justice.. Did silly things i never imagined i would do, at least not this week..
Felt cheated... Ok.. That is still too strong a word to use.. Felt 委屈... On friday night, i broke down... It's no longer about my tution kid.. It was family, friends and everything else... Just feel 委屈. Teared in front of pris and in cell.. But i cried at home.. It was so painful.. Haven't cried like that for very long le.. That immense pain.. I cannot even remember why is it so hurting.. Thought of many ppl that night.. Thought of my ny senior cheryl, thought of mdm ho, thought of miss teo.. 正当你受到委屈时，感到无助时，你难免会想到曾经守候在你身旁的一些人. I miss miss teo... ha.. double miss.. miss her so much... i even wish ppl like mr tay would be around to crack some silly jokes, and drop some encouragements after that...
Only 2 weeks out of college, and i realised how much ppl can hurt you.. Reminds me of Mr pereira... Some of the things he said.. It is so hard to love like Christ during times like this... Come to think of it, i do not deserve God's love in the first place.. His grace and mercy... I was unworthy... But that's why it is called grace.. "Grace is unbroken, uninterrupted, unearned, accepting relationship."
-Changes that heal- A book...
This is only the beginning.. I wish life was simpler... Wish ppl was simpler... I am slowly understanding why some ppl say i may have difficulty surviving in the future.. But i know how much Christ will protect me and equip me to face this world.. Through my walk with Him, through ppl around me.. I am still thankful for ppl who has been by my side.. Since primary school, till now.. before that, i can't really remember le..
I am feeling better le.. not really becoz of ppl... of coz there are close friends like roy and pris and tian tian who have been there encouraging me... And miss teo replied me yesterday... I am going to drop her and mr pereira a letter soon.. i promised her.. still miss her though she ask me not to... ya... so feeling better... becoz He is picking me up... Cheryl reminded me how much Jesus loves me... :)
Being satisfied in the Lord.. I am still learning... To be satisfied by Him alone.. Satisfied by His love... Satisfied by Him loving me.. And that i can love others with His love as well..
Shall share a song
I Stand In Worship - Music & Words by Karen Lim of NCC
In Your hand are the depths of the earth
And the heights of the heavens above
I worship and bow down
Kneel before You, my Lord and maker
In Your hand is the breath of my soul
In Your love I stand righteous and bold
To honour You, my King
Glorify You, my redeemer
With open arms I stand in worship
Feel Your love’s embrace
In reverence I enthrone You, Jesus
Lifter of my head
With gratefulness I stand before You
Faithful, loving King
I rest in hope for You are my portion
With thankfulness, I sing
He is the lifter of my head.. In moments like these, especially when i feel bad about myself, I am reminded that He is the lifter of my head.. My assurance found in Him alone.. Made righteous by the blood of Christ, becoz of His love.. And becoz of that, i need to learn to be bold as i face this world.. Resting in hope becoz i know that He is my portion..