Last day of being 18...

Today... Supposed to be my wedding day... but ha... couldn't find a bridegroom yet.. so we really got to postpone it.. And... don't worry... the lorry plan is still on... just got to find a guy who is willing to agree to my wedding plan...

Two more weeks... Till the end of my agony... No doubt, i learnt a lot during my 8 weeks at st'gabriel... But i really cannot carry on teaching english anymore.. I am not sure if i am going to leave the school yet... I really can't bear to leave some of the peeps there... esp the kids whom i just got to know slightly better.. will see how.. hoping to change a teaching subject... change to history.. if not... have to bid farewell to the wonderful ppl i have met..

I have been away from Daddy recently.. I know He has been taking care of me... But i was an unfaithful kid.. Sorry Daddy... Has been relying too much on myself.. I am really tired.. God, i need you to bring me through all these...

I need to learn to allow Daddy to prepare me for the greater plans ahead.. Sometimes i just get too satisfied with my current status that i refuse to move on or let Him work in me and mould me.. My spiritual life is stagnant, my growth impeded.. I need to go back to the stream of living water, my source of life, strength and joy...

I am turning 19 soon.. My last year being a teen... Hope to make a difference in the lives of the teens this year.. But first, i need to let God make a difference in my life once again.. It is only when Christ's empowerment come upon me, will I be able to empower the lives of others..

"I rest in hope, for You are my portion, with thankfulness, I sing..." Thank you Daddy... For being there all this while... For bringing me into this world 19 years ago.. For the opportunity to know Jesus... For the opportunity to say... I love You Daddy...

Empower me

EMPOWER ME

Nobody knows how weak I am
Better than You
Nobody sees all of my needs
Better than You
And nobody has the power
To change me, to what I was born to be
Jesus, be strong in my weakness
Empower me

(Chorus)
Empower me, like a rushing river
Flowing to the sea
Lord, send Your Holy Spirit flowing
Out through me
'Til I'm living as Your child
Victorious and free
Send the power of Your love
Empower me

Nobody's eyes see through my soul
Better than You
Nobody's love can make me whole
No love but Yours
And nobody has the power
To lift me to reach for eternity
Jesus break through all my defences
Empower me

I remembered when i was in sec 2, i named myself "River". A lame reason would be becoz my surname is Huang, and naming myself "River" would make me "Huang He" = "Yellow River"... Ha... Also, becoz i was thinking of a unique name.. So.. River... But.. It has another meaning.. River has its source from somewhere else... She provides water to wherever she is.. As the water flows, she enters into the sea.. From the sea, it would then enter somewhere else... Just like the chorus of the song... I feel like a "rushing river flowing to the sea". A bit helpless, headless, clueless, senseless.. helpless becoz i dunno wad to do, headless becoz i dunno where i am heading, clueless becoz i dunno how long more am i going to hold on to it, senseless becoz sometimes, these just doesn't make sense to me..

ONE MONTH... Yes... I have been teaching english for one month already.. Yes... English.. E=ENGLISH... Teaching at SGBS, facing a whole bunch of boys with raging hormones.. Somehow, they reminded me of Yang Shuai (my tutee for 2 days during the hols). Imagine facing 40 Yang Shuais everytime you enter a class. Ok... They are not as bad :) (THANKFULLY)

I have been struggling whether to leave the school or not.. Helpless... I really cannot mark english essays... i really really... ok i can... but... i am really not good at grammer at all.. sometimes i dunno how to teach the smarter kids.. they just seem to know their grammer better than i do.. esp the sec 3NA.. I am teaching 1 sec 2NA, 1 sec 3NA and 1 sec 3NT class.. Sometimes i wonder if i am heading towards the right direction when i am teaching them.. and yes... i struggled several times whether to leave the school or not becoz teaching english just doens't make any sense at all... i was telling them if i go back ny and tell ms sharma i am teaching eng i think she would prob faint.. even the chi teachers think it is strange.. i take Chinese LEP my dear.. I can't... I really can't... Broke down a few times in school during the first 3 weeks.. but not in class... as much as my friends try very hard to understand, but.. it is just incomplete.. i can't understand exactly what i am struggling with as well.. the inadequacy and incompetancy on my part.. a bit of inferiority complex.. a bit of this and a bit of that.. "Nobody knows how weak i am..." not including myself...

That day during church service, i broke down... the last time i broke down for the month of jan.. the lyrics said "Jesus.. break through all my defences.. Empower me"... My defences..

I wasn't sure what are they.. But God broke through my defences.. "Empower me. Like a rushing wiver flowing to the sea. Lord sent your Holy Spirit flowing out through me. Till I am living as Your child. Victorious and free. Sent the power of your LOVE empower me.."

It was then that i was reminded of my name.. David=God's Beloved.. God's Beloved is going into the sea where she is going to face challanges, big waves, uncertainties and the list just goes on.. But God's Beloved has her Daddy's empowerment.. She needs to be brave for the blood and trust that His anointing already covers her every word.

Be brave.. I am trying.. The very reason why i am still staying on is really becoz of the kids and some of my colleagues.. 65% kids 35% colleagues.. 100% me.. Becoz i don't like changes... But.. I don't like english as well..

As much as i wanna love the kids, i need to teach them as well.. I really love some of the kids.. I love the NT kids becoz they are really like brothers... Some of them, brothers who have gone astray.. I was so touched the other day when i read their essays on their dreams and aspirations.. Police officer, chefs, designers.. Simple dreams.. But sometimes, adults just kill their dreams and make them feel as if it was impossible to fulfill them.. It is difficult.. But... At least they do have dreams.. I am struggling hard to keep mine.. for the sec 2s... they are my form class... some of them are really adorable (like me).. like my little brothers... they call me sihui jie jie after school... i dunno whether it is appropriate according to the school or moe... but i feel that it makes me feel closer to them.. and that is what i care about... after all, those who call me sihui jie jie are the nicer kids in class.. i feel stress in my sec 3NA class.. they intimidate me and make me feel small... there are some nice boys inside as well.. but really only a handful.. Sometimes, i fear not being capable enough to teach them well..

though i love the boys and i should learn to perservere, but i am still considering of going away... i would allow Him to stretch me.. But not longer than what i really can hold on to... And unless there is a clear sign from Christ, i would still stay on..

The passage that struck me today:

"And now I will show you the most excellent way.
1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

1 Corinthians 12:31-13:7

The most excellent way to carry on now.. To cover myself with love.. If i have all the knowledge i have to pass to them and i have not love... I am nothing.. A simple passage.. But i almost always forget that Love is the most excellent way to carry on...

I dunno how many "i cannot" have i said... But.. I may feel that i cannot, but God can!

I told miss teo the other day i am sorry... i remember that i used to ignore her in math class.. though i was one of the few who would still look up and talk to her occasionally, to a large extent, i don't always give my FULL attention.. though i was still doing math, and i would still ask her whenever i need help, but still, it wasn't my full attention.. she must have felt bad.. coz i am feeling bad now becoz some of my students ignored me in class.. but i know she still loves me the most.. becoz i am her favourite student..

this is one of the rare times where i can seat down and type a long long blog entry.. i am usually too tired after work and the weekend seems to be always pack.. i am teaching sec 1E CME! Haha.. and i love relieving some sec 4 classes who give me their full attention when i am sharing about JC life :) And serious stuffs aside... I am turning 19 soon.. and no.. no bf, no fiance, no husband.. think we have to settle for my 18th spiritual birthday.. will still be praying for my hubby.. hee.. :)